runnrgrrl's blog

ghost of a smile

2012-01-18T22:13:00.000-05:00

some very rare times, when i run, i can feel my strength building and i feel so free. so unburdened by sadness. so connected to why i should be happy - i actually love myself. i see myself in the mirror and think that i'm looking pretty good. i like how my cheeks glow after a run and how my hair gets all tangled. i'm more than comfortable with myself. just for that little time, i try to hold onto the feeling that all is right with me and my world.i deserve to be here and i'm loved.i feel it feel it, you know.smiling is so easy.i suppose normal people feel like this all the time...for me it's precious, and fleeting.(and it's happening more often you know) running works magic on me...just every once in awhile...but it's ok. nice to know i can feel a deep-down happy.

....tonight's blog post is brought to you by The Joy Formidable (this is linked)... in particular, the song whirring seems to suit me.

stirrings

2012-01-15T21:03:00.002-05:00

some kinda cheesy handbasket

hell in a handbasket
Last year's training went to hell in a handbasket. it's true. the winter seemed to start off strong but then by the beginning of may, i was tired all the time, unable to get out of bed and the crying spells began. blah. on 3 distinct occasions i planned to not make it to 2012. yet, here i am. and very happy to be so.

stirring the pot

now, i've begun to train for boston. i'm focused on one key goal - consistency. it is week two and i've made it. sounds easy. but it's been a struggle. so now, all i'm looking at is the work of the day ahead: the miles i need to build back my strength. but who knows, i thought i'd turned the corner before as well...and i fell back...

tasting the broth

i hit a milestone today - 43 miles in one week. i haven't run this much in a single week in about 16 months. i feel great. my motivation seems to be there.we'll see if i can hold on and dig in. so what if i don't? for today, i'm on top of the world with this week's achievement.that's worth a lot. tomorrow i begin on next week's effort.

too many cooks in the kitchen

when it comes to training this time, there is no such thing as too many running buddies. i need them. i'm lining them up in advance. i have my monday recovery run bud, my tuesday easy jaunt fella, my wednesday 8 mi dude, my friday 10 mi pal and my sunday long run companions ( i have two - just in case one can't make it). online, i have an abundance of friends who are cheering me on. so, yeah, i'm honoured to have everyone along. a meal is best when prepared and shared together.

the best sauce

yesterday, during the US womens' olympic marathon trials, shalane flanagan's mantra was "cold execution". it speaks to me. it's how i used to be before i was afflicted w this stupid self-doubt. but now, i seem to be hungry again. you know what they say, don't you? hunger is the best sauce.

* a new podcast is out...in this episode, we talk about running commando, naked running and one fella runs starkers through the forest... itunes -- podcasts -- Run World Radio

**Thanks for all the support -- the pilot episode debuted in the top 10 on iTunes for US amateur sports podcasts. we'd love your feedback anytime -- runworldradio@gmail.com

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not your average threesome

2011-12-26T16:46:00.002-05:00

i'm looking for runners in jamaica -- story on the podcast.

i've teamed up with two fellas - one from the UK - Steve and one from the land down under - JayDub. We've launched a podcast about running - with three different perspectives, three different continents and two sexy accents ( i much prefer Jay's to Steve's but don't tell him that).

oral
i love stories -- hearing them and sharing them. we all know the people whose stories we could listen to endlessly. i tell stories when i run and i love running with other story tellers. so, that's why most of my insights on the podcast, just like here on my blog, will be stories or reflections. of course, i add my pesky remarks to the banter w steve and jaydub. they may soon regret inviting me to the party ;)

aural
The podcast is meant to an aural magazine with snippets on a range of topics. The three of us share some conversation, do our own solo segments and bring a bunch of other people as well. My solo piece is on how and why i began to run. Steve talks about his Santa run and JayDub stops in mid-run to tell us about an aborigine special place.

what would you like?
This is the pilot episode and we're still figuring stuff out...if you have comments, i'd love to hear them...you can leave them here or email them to runworldradio@gmail.com
we'll take suggestions - what do you want to hear? want to share a story - let us know. it's our turn to listen. :)

Click here to subscribe in ITunes and get every episode of Run World Radio delivered FREE to your ipod as soon as its released!

RunWorldRadio blog

hot mess

2011-12-06T17:03:00.000-05:00

i’ve been running away from reality and it’s time to face up to it. i wish I was who you think i am. i wish i deserved your praise when you say i inspire you. the truth is that i’m not right. so the only thing i can be is wrong.

fix me

i’m not being dramatic.i’m messed up. not totally FUBAR but close at times. it’s the way i am. over a year ago, i was diagnosed with major depressive disorder…in other words, big ass depression. it’s been a bitch to live with -- for me and for my family (and while i’m on the topic, my husband is my harbor, and my anchor but he can’t fix me either.) these 18 mths i’ve had crying spells without reason (yep try explaining crying during a management meeting – i blamed seasonal allergies), the moodiness, the withdrawal from anyone close to me. finally, i felt so worthless, i thought i should check out. yeah, that’s a euphemism.

talk to me

but i didn’t. it is humiliating for me to admit that i’ve been seeing a shrink for over a year. it’s obvious that for years, as long as i can remember, i’ve built up barriers around myself. now i find myself deeply lonely, but not sure of how to come out and survive. i grew up having to protect myself and those defenses are hard-wired into me and unless i unwire them and let people in and myself out, they will strangle me. so i’ve been working on understanding myself, breaking down the emotions and looking for alternative positive ways to look at things. apparently, it’s not just me but depressed people (god I hate hate hate that label) tend to always see the worst in every situation.

forgive me

i don’t ever know what anyone sees in me that is worth sticking around for, but some do anyways (thank you). i go out of my way to push anyone close away - i hammer it home to them - i am not worth your friendship....how can i say "this is what a depressed person says bc they can't even love themselves so it's what they think"...few of my friends have stuck around for long.i’m not an easy person to know.it's even worse if you care about me. i'm sorry.

run with me

i always thought that running could help me. i could medicate with a nice long soul-searching run or a hard, quick set of sprints. occasionally that will still do the trick. overall, running stopped working for me as my energy and vitality were drained by my darkness and all I wanted to do was sleep and avoid life. i had b12 issues, i had hormonal surges and those contributed but in the end, they were just aggravating my sense of hopelessness.

don't judge me

i finally gave into drugs. again, i’m humiliated by this admission. my shrink persuaded me that taking an antidepressant wasn’t any different from diabetics who take insulin to provide what their body does not…sure. i understand but no one can see my distress. i will not talk about it. i get the ‘cheer up and think positive thoughts’ talk…if only i could. I pushed myself to my limits trying everything before breaking down and taking meds. that was in september.

believe me

i was told it wouldn’t be forever, just until i had a better handle on how to systematically make myself see the world in a better light. i was trying so hard every week with my cognitive homework. The day after the shrink, i always have a post-shrink hangover. i unpack my guts it seems and then it takes me a few days to put them away again and regain my composure.

sing with me

at the beginning of november, my shrink could see that i was making significant progress in reversing my old ways of thinking. she and my physician thought i could begin the weaning off the drugs in the next four weeks. the side effects had become a little worrisome – i had a lot of pressure behind my eyes, no longer felt the need to eat (and so didn’t) and only needed 3 hours of sleep a night. when I dropped the dosage to half for a while, it seemed ok. i felt more like myself than i had in so long. that’s when I wanted to write. to sing. to let you know that i’ve come back and i feel fantastically alive.

stick with me

it must’ve been the drugs talking…this week as i went to a half dose every other day, the crying spells returned, my thoughts went bleak, and i’m lost. i’ll see my doctor and my shrink tomorrow. Since the weekend, I've been taking the half dose every day again. i need to sort this out, but I can’t keep it in anymore. It’s time to come out of the closet and face it. so, pls don't judge me for being ashamed to admit that i feel like a failure in life to need the propping up by drugs or doctors...i grew up being told almost everyday, by words or slaps, that i wasn't worth much...and so...feeling like "this" is yet another something wrong with me, is kinda like second nature for me...or was...i'm working on fixing that.

don't give up on me

so here I am. with running, my focus is on building a good base and strength before I begin training for boston in the winter. With me, as always, the biggest challenge will be mental. So, let’s see how it goes. At least now you know whom you’re dealing with and I don’t feel like some polyanna fraud. sometimes, to myself, i list all the things in my life that i'm thankful for. there isn't a single thing i'd change...except the chemicals in my head (and ok,i'd go for a tummy tuck, if you were offering- jk jk (kinda))...seriously, please don’t tell me to count my blessings. i fucking know.

i’ll be 43 this week, and i damn well plan on being around to turn 93. as i said to my boss, don’t count me out just because i’m on the fucking shortbus for now. (and yeah, i'm fucking crying again now. this is NOT who i am. it isn't.

bj's and bourbon...epic

2011-11-13T22:49:00.000-05:00

m(e)

here’s my race report from the chicago marathon-oct 9/11. only, it wasn’t a race. it was a long long run with a lot of fun along the way. my friend,e, from nyc, flew to chicago, hung out w me and ran every single step of the way beside me. for fun.for friendship.for me? yeah. pretty cool.

my guns

the pics attest that i stuck to my guns-didn’t wear a watch, had fun, drank beer, posed for goofy pictures, talked about sex, and swore like a sailor. i haven’t looked at my splits or my exact finish time – even now a month later. i don’t care. if you do, go look them up. don’t tell me.

in a nutshell (all of this was tweet-cast by e as we ran, including the pics)

getting going

we got up, went to the coral and ran when the horn went off. i wasn’t wearing a watch but with all those people around with their goal times on their backs, i had a pretty good idea of how we were doing for time. (ok…as an aside – i rarely say my goal out loud if i’m racing, i’d never wear one of those things…seems like a target on my back would just be too much…but hey, whatever floats your boat, eh).

cruising

we ran a 3:45 pace til mile 14…i must say i love love love downhills. it was so much fun to see B (@Gemini_Runner) come up beside us at mile 12, looking perky and cute as a button as she gave us a gorgeous smile and waved bye when she got back on her speedy pace.

i wasn’t struggling, we were still goofing around – taking pics of people’s butts and commenting on signs. i snuck in a pee break beside a portapotty that was chained shut. whatevs. i did a mid-air hover squat (yeah-good muscles, babe) and popped back on course. (very important strategic detail)

From mile 14 to mile 20 – legs were tired. this doesn’t usually happen to me until mile 24 so that took me by surprise. ah well, who gives a fuck – decided to keep being goofy.grabbed elvis' hand and had a photo opp., jumped on stage in china town and was on tv.

hot and heavy

mile 20--it’s where the real test begins i’m told. quads were burning.i walked every water station at first, then both water and gatoraid stations, then just some plain walking…at mile 23 – beer shots.really – why not? such nice people giving it out. i think e wanted bourbon instead– that chick is mofo badass. At mile 24 i told e, that running a marathon for fun, doesn’t make it any shorter..and who the fuck runs that far for fun. us and a bunch of other wierdos i guess. at mile 25 i told e, i’m not running boston this april. she said we don’t talk about the next one right now.fine. be that way.

mile 26-i want to walk the rest of the way. e refuses and says she’ll drag me across. i listen and run.

we make it. we get beer, ice on legs and lie in the sun.blessed&blissed.

beer shots at mile 23

After more beer in charity village, we walk over to cheer on the 6+hour marathoners. they amaze me. so much time on their feet. so determined. yeah…it was a great great race.

Ok, ok. so that was a bigger nut than i’d thought. but i like nuts. what else is new?

bj’s from mile 17 to mile 20

yeah.blow job talk. you got it. it all started with musings about ice on your hoohaw during sex-pros, cons…then about the use of ice for bjs…with liquid, or not…then we went to the warm liquid route…i had to share about the velvet tongue effect i’d heard about…e had to warn me off using certain liquids which can apparently sting…then we talked about breasts (e has a thing for them) and on and on we went…

one of our twitter friends had held up a sign that said DO EPIC SHIT earlier in the race and i’d recognized the sign. There she was again at mile 18 with the same sign. This time we made eye contact and she saw e and i. she said we looked pretty peppy…well now you know why.

runners are for real

before the race on friday and saturday, e & i mostly hung out in the uber cool and fun company of josh & jenn with a drop-by superhug from ken. at the expo we ran into lisa, lori and mo. after the race, the 4 of us hung out with josepha, mark, patrick, stef, and lisa with a quick hug and butt grab-fest with marci, bojana, and elyssa. at the bar we met up with shawn, heather, jesse, ken and patrick from all the way from the UK. (pics below)

i can't begin to thank all the friends from all over the US and Canada who cheered us on that day..and in fact, they are there almost daily to laugh, or lend a shoulder to lean on. thank you. who said the virtual world can't be real? i so so love having you in my life. for reals,yo.

MORE PIX AT THE END>>>

the blow by bloy - Nyce’s live tweet cast from Chicago Marathon 2011

NYCe NYCe

who is ready for a little tweet & run for 26.2 miles? will be tweeting the #CM11 live. enjoy the journey with @runnrgrl & I.

first pix of the day: @runnrgrl & I the corral. we are a bit matchy! yfrog.com/nt9q5lej

9 Oct Favorite Undo Retweet Reply

view from the corral. 40k+ people #CM11 @runnrgrl yfrog.com/kk230zej

9 Oct Favorite Undo Retweet Reply

we are off!

9 Oct Favorite Retweet Reply

yfrog.com/nwxoqyj thru 2 miles. crowds are great. sewers are stinky. @runnrgrl is smiling

4 miles down. shade is nice. road thinning. we are moving & joking. @runnrgrl

10k down. @runnrgrl just gave me a good ass grab. running north.

sexiest outfit this far. dude on right. hot. yfrog.com/nz6d0tvj

off lakeshore drive. boring stretch. back into fun zone. near mile 8. @runnrgrl

past mile 10. hanging with 3:45 group. sedgwick st. is gorgeous!

just ran with @Gemini_Runner she looks amazing!!!! (right around 12 miles)

yfrog.com/ocu7fjj running down Franklin St. at 20k mark. almost halfway!!!

and we are 13.1 miles in!!! send @runnrgrl lots of cheers & smiles!!!

25k baby!!!! @runnrgrl just took a dissolved salt tablet dry. amusing.

just saw "run 4 beer" sign. can someone make a "run 4 bourbon" for NYC? @runnrgrl

@jenn_if_er go Jenn!!!! (me & S)

@sitbones I need to work on reading tweets & running. :) we are cruising. thanks for the love fern. @runnrgrl

what's with the "worst parade ever" signs? never seen 'em. kind of hate them. @runnrgrl

mile 17 & @runnrgrl and I are talking about sex. a very serious race for us. hehe.

yfrog.com/nviyowj heading back toward the city. beautiful day although a wee hot. @runnrgrl

this one's for @SpeedySasquatch at mile 18, my boobs are sitting pretty. I knew you might be wondering. :)

30k!!!! running near a guy wearing leather sandals. reallly????

Chicago crowds are awesome this year. good music too. just thru 21. homestretch!!

we are in Chinatown. @runnrgrl with the dragons. yfrog.com/num99jj

I'm getting hungry!!!! right around 22.5 miles. name my post-race chi-town meal!!!

made a friend at the last aid station. his height made it a bit hard to converse. @runnrgrl yfrog.com/j2zafij

beers at mile 23 yfrog.com/nvbw4dbj @runnrgl

@SpeedySasquatch we are past 24. where are you?

closing in on mile 25.... give @runnrgrl all your love & energy!

yfrog.com/nv8koxsj and we are done!!!! thanks for coming on our journey. medal pic to come. @runnrgrl

while @runnrgrl was doing yfrog.com/nt25869311j

I was doing this yfrog.com/h6600pgj

and this is the fab babe now yfrog.com/nvzqbamj @ultramyron @Runs4Coffee

have to do a blanket thank you to all who followed, encouraged and enjoyed the #CM11 adventure @runnrgrl and I went on today. TY's to come.

@runnrgrl all your tweets are making me smile. glad I could be right by your side tweeting, dousing you with water & getting ass grabs. :)

coming soon

2011-10-19T16:49:00.000-04:00

i have to write my report..my head was seriously messed up and i just solved it...totally changed my perspective on something i care about a lot....so yeah, the race report will be hilarious...question is ...should i put in the bj convo at mile 17? all of it?

here's a taste of the ending...yes...it was a happy one.

stay thirsty my friends.... hahahahahaha

fuck by numbers

2011-10-04T11:36:00.000-04:00

heavenly sunrise

1. numbers are a trap

i’m working my way of out it. when i started running 5 yrs ago, i ran to a time. getting to 60 minutes was a victory. then i ran to distance. 5k was a big deal. 10k was a milestone…i ran my first races and placed in the top 3.i ran my first marathon and qualified for boston.my second marathon was boston. my third marathon was chicago where i ran a PR and BQ’d again…i started to define myself as a runner by those achievements…i built myself a box.

2. zero

when my health went awry over the year, and my spirits sank as i lost the speed, i was disappointed with every run. i saw each one as a failure. i pushed myself to the puke threshold from exertion with almost every run.i wasn’t listening to my body. instead, i berated and disparaged myself so badly that if any person said the same things to me, i’d never speak to them again. i had to stop.

3. restart

About 6 wks ago, i put aside my watch and my garmin. i ran routes i knew the distance for or with others who would tell me when to take a gel on a long run. i just ran because i could and i started to see the things around my runs that had always meant so much to me – the company of others and the shared stories, the peacefulness of solo runs, the beauty of the sunrise, the crispness of the air, the sunshine breaking through clouds. It’s not that I didn’t notice those things when I wore a watch, but I had become desensitized by my number obsession.

4. let go

my expectations had put running into obligatory check boxes that i had to complete.i forgot the joy of following a path to its end, of letting my body lead the way.running, like sex, or conversation or anything else that brings me joy has its own progression with variety, spontaneity and freedom to pursue whatever way feels good at the time.

5. follow the feel

i can’t fuck by numbers – script it in advance, check off the foreplay boxes-hit all the bases in a systematic, pre-arranged template, then move onto the next level. i can’t run like that either. runs can be short, long, quick, slow, and I just need to follow where my desire leads me… and respond and react to my body as a lover would with no set goal time or objective…just to enjoy the moments and let the pace set itself with my body’s rhythms…

6. make the leap

can I redefine success for me? will you still love me if I don’t PR or BQ or break 4 – does anyone give a fuck about that but me? my body deserves my respect and my kindness and patience.

even as i write this, knowing how much i’ve recaptured the allure of running and the satisfaction it brings me without boxing myself in, i wonder if i can run a marathon in 5 days in the spirit of enjoying the moments, the crowds and the simple astonishing act of running all that way.

if i can, that may be my most enduring and fulfilling achievement ever. let’s see.

boyfriend sweater

2011-09-16T14:18:00.000-04:00

my friend e looking for a rainbow

take

i have a hidden need. it's sneaky. sometimes i like sneaky stuff. here it is…when friends come to visit, i hope they leave one of their belongings behind and i get to keep it for awhile. one friend left me a bright green hair elastic…another left me a sweater (jackpot!). i don’t wear the hair elastic but i keep it with my earrings and necklaces.i smile when i see it. the sweater, i wear. i brought it work even. i wrap it around me and snuggle up, feel better. it’s like a boyfriend sweater. (but my friend is a girl in this case, not that it matters, but still, i know you were wondering- you see the term ppl know is boyfriend sweater.so if i said girlfriend sweater that would’ve made you wonder about my sexual orientation and well…that’s a topic for another time, isn’t it.) when they leave those things,the unexpected gifts, the more inhabited part of themselves, i feel like they’re closer to me.

give

i’m a giver too…whenever i go visit someone i usually bring them a small gift.i have to.i get all happy buying the gift and thinking of the person …it’s like foreplay i guess. someone asked me why i like giving gifts – didn’t i get enough presents as a child? the real reason i give is because i don’t want to be forgotten.

so yes running…i run. this is related to running…running brings the two together: giving/taking/sharing

give and take

two years ago, one spring morning, i was running with a guy and a girl in a forest near my house.to this day both the guy and i can remember exactly where on that path the girl told us her boyfriend was hung like a stallion.it’s awesome. that’s my favourite part about running with someone. the stories. the connection. the sound of our combined breathing, our limbs in perfect sync and fluid coordination as the words tumble out. i miss running with others for the pleasure of running and each other’s company. i miss the shared intimacy.

now,when i run paths alone, i remember the stories in the places where they were shared. running still brings back that closeness for me. i hold onto it. like a boyfriend sweater.

i'm bringing my sexy back

2011-09-12T22:31:00.001-04:00

where the fuck did my sexy go?

i'm drugged up-kinda sorta...life is better - i don't cry in the middle of dinner for no reason at all (damn ovaries needed to be turned off!). oh yeah- i switched pills & i'm not even bleeding out everyday. i barely miss it...really - did i tell you about the world's biggest maxi pad that i had to use at the end there last month- it was ginormous - serious diaper rash...fuck..yeah- things have gotten better.

i can feel more energy as the B12 shots kick in.i wake up and run many days...and then again, some days i don't...wow...didn't i once say running is better than viagra...damn...who am i?

i just don't feel saucy, sassy or sexy- i'm not me. i try.every once in awhile, i'll catch a buzz and be who i used to be. i miss me. i'm working on getting me back. it's going to take time.

you can run (no, you can't run)
You can hide, (no, you can't hide),You can run, (no, you can't run),You can hide...away.
it's my first instinct. to simply shut out the world and anyone close to me.stay safe.anyway, i'm not worth the effort of friendship...or so i was told for so many years i forgot who was doing the telling and i started to tell it to myself...you'd think i'd want to run, just to feel whole, and get that joy back. but instead, some days i don't even want to get out of bed.

i walk a lonely road
the only one i've only known, don't know where it goes, but it's only me, i walk alone. this has to stop.i have to stop withdrawing, shutting out ppl who'd help me, be close to me.it's time to get back on a path. i have waffled over whether to run the chicago marathon so much (oh no, not the blue waffle - do not google it-hehehe-see, i can still laugh-it's gonna be ok,i haven't completely lost my silly humour).

do it do it or die
must be something in my head...
yep. so, i'm going to run this marathon. my time will reflect my spotty training (no pun intended..well ok maybe)...it's going to be a record of a different kind of achievement. one that is maybe about taking the first few steps to getting my sexy back...i still don't know...i just want to hope.

so...promise to sing with me when we're done the race?...i need to feel alive again. running helps. so do you.
Go ahead, be gone with it
Come to the back
Go ahead, be gone with it
VIP
Go ahead, be gone with it
Drinks on me
Go ahead, be gone with it
Get your sexy on

...but first, let's just get to the start line.

TO DONATE TO MY CHARITY FOR WOMEN's HEALTH RESEARCH - PLS CLICK HERE -- http://foundation.nmh.org/site/TR?px=1076234&fr_id=1070&pg=personal

stubborn as fuck

2011-08-09T22:41:00.001-04:00

yesterday, about 8 hours before hell broke loose

i don't know where to begin.i said i'd check back in after a week to let you know how self-coaching week 1 went.

the plan

run. just shut up and run. i ran a little everyday. sometimes 8 miles and sometimes 3. my long run was 15 miles which i did at sunset on sunday night. beautiful run. too bad i fucked it up by crying over my average pace. i'll get to that in a moment (don't worry you "don't beat yourself up" commentators, i have a special section in this blog just for you). i ended the week with 37 miles.

the appointments
this week was busy with appointments, i had to have my b12 shot and then also meet with my surgeon. how special. we should all have personal surgeons.lucky me though. really. that waiting room was rrrrough. i don't want to know what those people were there for. i don't want what they have. i have a benign cyst apparently with some endometrial tissue in it that gets all swollen and aggravated when i do speed work or run alot. i've dealt w the pain since last december. it's coming out november 18. as for recovery>who knows? depends on how deep they have to dig.

the headspace
the week started kinda rough. then i had a straight talk w a pal who knows me fairly well. he put it simply:
Here's the thing. You're fragile right now. You're also stubborn as fuck. And proud. You're gonna have a hard time dealing with the fact you're aren't where you want/expect you should be..

yeah. ok. point taken. so...with that, my head shifted. the goal for chicago is no longer to run it competitively. i have to put that away and focus on my strength.lack of b12 has left my legs so weak (in relative terms). the only thing that matters now are the miles. not the pace. when i told another friend my average pace sucked. she replied: miles.

panic (this is graphic so if you're squeamish, don't read this)
so just in case i needed a reminder of how far from my normal i am right now and also how lucky i am...i had a freakish thing happen last night.

so...i'm on the pill to even out my surging moods brought on by my period. a side effect is spotting. i've been lightly spotting now for a few weeks.

for the last wk, its been getting heavier. and then...

bloody hell
for 4 hours yesterday, it was like the dam burst. i was losing blood at a disgusting rate. when you bleed so quickly, it clots.alot. i had such severe cramping i was doubled-over. not a good feeling.sorta like labour...sorta not.

what's worse is that i was alone. what made me panic is that something like this happened once before and i was alone...i passed out and had to have emergency surgery. [ it all ended well as this does :) ]

twilight zone
so...well, it all culminated when a massive hunk of my endometrial lining came out. i didn't know that's what it was. but let me tell you, i'm not squeamish so i took a good look at it, put it on tissue and poked it. it wasn't just blood. it was a bloody mass on one side but on the entire other side, it was whitish and fatty and firm...so bizarre. what the hell....

thank gawd for the interweb & cyber pals
it took a lot of internet searching to find images and descriptions that matched this thing. i was lucky to have friend who is a nurse and she told me that shedding the lining (even that fatty white hunk) is normal when beginning the kind of continuous pill i'm on. she told me what to watch for and i just hung on. (see? being stubborn isn't always a bad thing.)

after a couple of hours (can i tell you i was afraid to move, never mind standing up), the bleeding came to a virtual standstill. i passed the time w friends on twitter making ridiculous jokes about sacramento sweaters and merkins while i waited to see what was going to happen. when i was so tired i couldn't stand it, i went to sleep. i woke up this am and there wasn't any blood.
hasn't been hardly anything all day...did i dream it?

moving on...
so yeah, i'll let you know what week 2 brings in running. all i want are miles. i'll be thankful for miles. thankful with an underscore. ok. so pls, don't tell me i'm not thankful...

want to help me, please?
on the sidebar up there is a donation area. womens' health research matters to me - i'm kinda selfish like that. please help me. donate. even just a little. i'm not just running for myself here. i swear.

on my knees

2011-07-31T11:35:00.000-04:00

maybe i should just take the bus and give up running...it's easier

ran 13.1 miles in 2:02:21 and felt fine.68F with 88% humidity, overcast.
sounds good to anyone but me. i've never run this distance so slowly before-as a training run or otherwise. i'm 11 weeks out from my marathon and i don't know how i'm going to run my best there. In my training so far, 14 miles has been the longest i've run. i need to turn things around and i'm floundering.

excuses...
my legs hurt
B12 is what your red blood cells need to transport oxygen efficiently to your muscles. i have a severe deficiency and have had one injection. i was told it takes a couple of months for it to kick in. well i guess so. the symptoms are depression, fatigue, nausea, anxiety and muscle weakness to name a few. my legs aren't there for me. i am used to an 8:45 pace being my run forever pace. i used to be able to bring that down to an 8:30 and hold it.

this morning, i couldn't believe my garmin, for the first mile, i couldn't get past a 10 min pace. i brought it into the 9's...my 5k time was 28 minutes...my 5k PR was 22:11 this winter. 26 minutes was comfortable for me...

i have boobies...for reals
my hormones have been all over the place. so now i'm on the pill that only gives me my period 4x a year. so it's been great not to be a crying mess all the time. the cranky pants days have diminished alot. it's been a month now. yet, something else happened. i've put on weight. i have plumped up breasts.

i'm 5'2 and 105 lbs usually. i went up to 110 lbs...today i'm at 107.5 so maybe i'll get back to normal soon...too bad about the boobies though - they went down :) i'm not used to carrying extra weight. it doesn't seem a lot to most people but on my frame, i notice it. i feel heavy. soft. awkward.

flaccid
my expectations of myself are high. they always have been and nothing will change that. i now have to take a cold, hard look at myself as i am today and seriously assess what i can accomplish in 11 weeks.

everything seems like a battle. getting out of bed. the number of miles i have to run. the pace i have to hit. it stresses me out and i worry about my run all day. so i don't go. i don't run. i was supposed to be all fired up by now and raring to go...but it hasn't turned out that way.

the backstory
5 years ago exactly i started running on the treadmill because back-to-back spin classes weren't enough to expend my energy. so i turned to running because its endlessly challenging. i began with 13 minutes on the treadmill. it's all i could do. i added a minute every day until i hit 60 minutes and then i tried to get faster.

as far as running goes, i've barely begun. i've only run 5 5ks, 4 8ks, 1 10k, 4 half marathons and 3 marathons. that's it. people say my legs will come back. i have muscle memory. i'm not so sure i do. at this point, it feels like i'm starting at the beginning again.

restart
i'm holding back the tears right now. i need to create a plan for myself to get to the marathon. i'm reassessing everything and more than anything i need to stay consistent. i don't want to answer to anyone and i want to retreat and privately work on rebuilding so i only have myself to answer to- no coach whose plan i can't meet and feel like i've also let down.

reversal
i'm on my knees now hoping i can turn this regression around. all bets are off for anything close to a PR for Chicago. If it wasn't for my charity commitment, I'd likely drop out. but then, i don't give up. i never have. i'll gut it through.

one step at a time
i'll report back here week by week because i need a place to be myself and whine if i need to. i'm hoping for small victories. this week's challenge -just simply to run.

ps....
since legs are on my mind, and performance...here are some pics i took when at the tour de france on alpes d'huez on friday, july 22.

cusp

2011-07-09T17:41:00.002-04:00

no time to relax - NYCM qualification by 19 seconds.

shit’s been going on. messing me up. finally figured it out when it became too much to deal with. that’s about my speed though- scream when i’m at the edge otherwise shut the fuck up and deal with it, quietly on my own.

waves

so, ya, my hormones were out of whack – just crazy surges of darkness that was more dense every month for longer and longer. i don’t use that crazy word lightly because there have been times when i feel out of mind. it’s truly scary to cry without a reason – anywhere, anytime. to feel like everything anyone says has teeth, to have all of your nerve endings hang out and rubbed raw. i retreated a lot from many people to try to limit the pain and sadness. it made NO sense. i look at my life and i love all of it-even my zany parts – i don’t want to change them…but this crying crap had to end…i’m minimizing the darkness and the thoughts that came with it but ya, I had to find some way of dealing with it. so, i went to the doctor and i was put on hormones to help smooth out the edges and save money on kleenex & visine...but...

sinking

on top of the bleakness, i couldn’t get enough sleep. i’d sleep 12 hours at night, not be able to get out of bed and then have a four hour nap and still pass out at night. it was an endless cycle of sleep. for someone who is used to 5 hours at the most, i felt like i was out of control entirely – that the sadness was sucking me in and I didn’t care if I slept through my life. the crashing waves of fatigue werelike jetlag from a far overseas flight that just hit with a wallop at any time of day – sucked the life out of me…

rising

well I had some more blood tests done, and look at that! severe B12 deficiency. time for some shots to pump me up again. in about six weeks, i’ll be back up to my normal energy levels. when i told my workmates and boss that, they rolled their eyes… half-speed me is intense enough (for them).

surfacing

i was reading late the other night (yeah- things are already normalizing) and i realized something & just had the biggest, stupidest grin ever… omg. i was relaxed and super content.smiling was EASY. i was back. me. I love me -when I’m not a sad, sleepy nutbar. i hadn’t been able to stay up late in so long.

feeling the edge

some things are taking a bit of time to come back but I persevere. i noticed today, after my track work (when i’m decidedly high on endorphins), that my coach has a pernicious way of giving me stuff I can just barely handle. the pace he asks me to target is at the absolute edge of my capacity. i stopped ‘knowing’ what was normal for me because I don’t want to settle in.

hanging on

i log paces and workouts on dailymile.com (runnrgrl) and intentionally (so i don’t limit myself) i don’t internalize what i was doing last year at this time. i also don’t set a race time goal until my second or third very long run. so, when my coach throws down some distances and paces, i don’t ever think i can do them. then i do. usually i beat his targets by a few seconds. today I hit them dead on or was a few seconds slower. with all that has gone on, it’s good to know i’m not far from the mark. i’m also glad he hung in there with me as i sorted out my problems. so propped up as i am for the moment with hormones and injections, i worry about running a strong marathon and so I hope I’m on the right path.

help me help others

look - I know times are tough for so many people but if you can, would you please donate a small amount to Northwestern Memorial Hospital. I don’t have much to raise but women’s health research is a big deal to me. Thanks. I'm willing to earn the donation-i'll write a bio, an ad, a website section, guest-blog, or buy you a drink or coffee if i'm in your town - just ask! Here’s the link: http://foundation.nmh.org/goto/sumanrunner

training notes

** if you want to follow my training for Chicago here- you can do so here: http://www.dailymile.com/people/runnrgrl#ref=tophd. i am maxed out for friends there, so please send me a message and i’ll have make some changes to my friend list –lots of ppl on there aren't using DM and i'd rather my supporters can see how i'm doing. just let me know please.

pillow talk

2011-06-25T21:37:00.001-04:00

relaxing with some cheese, pate, cherries & strawberries.

ever notice how obnoxious runners are? not all of them. relax. some of them are fucking annoying. they can't shut up about running. i walk into a coffee-shop and there's a bunch of them sitting around. can't help but overhear them-they are all about their splits, their training, their gear.(and no - they didn't *just* come back from a run). blah blah blah. my friend tom says those xtranormal videos are passe or else, i'd make one for you. [you can just watch this one: http://www.xtranormal.com/watch/7985459/im-running-a-marathon]

lame sauce
ever spot runners outside of a sporting event? notice how much care they've taken in their subtle runner identity ensemble...the heartrate monitor watch, the socks or 'sleeves', hell- even the shoes or vff's and yes...the boston jacket at a movie theatre, - while well deserved - it's kinda cheesy, no? #notagoodlook.

yes i run but...
i talk runner talk and sometimes i like it...but really, i'm not a card-carrying runner. i've never read a running book and i dumped my only running mag subscription. i don't see running movies and i don't have running on my resume. it's just thing i do. and in spite of my sharing with other runners, it's not something alot of people in my real life know about me.i did think this list of 35 ways to know you're a runner is funny...and relevant. http://www.runningforums.com/you_know_you_re_a_runner_if_t11897.html

not a missionary
mostly, i really love running- the freedom, the fluid motion, the state of mind that can just take me far far away. i also know that many times, running is boring as fuck. it's a slogfest. my body rebels and after a mile, i want to stop. usually i find if i can keep running, by mile 6, i'm feeling invincible...still...you gotta wonder. it's sure not for everyone. i get that.i am not a running evangelist. you don't have to drink my endorphin koolaid.

pillow talk excites me
the runners i'm drawn to have so much more going on than their running. they live LIFE on full. i love it. i can talk to my running pals endlessly about a whole range of passions - from running to relationships, travel, food, wine, scotch and sex. talk to me about anything you love - just give me an extensive menu & keep the conversation passionate, warm and inviting. that's my kind of pillow talk.

***please donate http://foundation.nmh.org/goto/sumanrunner - i'm running the Chicago marathon to raise money for women's health research at Northwestern Memorial. If you've read my blog, you know this cause is near and dear to me... any small amount can make a difference. thanks.

hot as balls, hotter than fuck

2011-06-12T22:55:00.000-04:00

first night- first mojitos

i love my texan girls

i'm in heaven even though it's hotter than hell

i spent a week in texas. 4 days of work. 3 days of fun. met 5 friends. drank 14 mojitos, 25 cups of coffee, and shared all kinds of stories from race reports to inside jokes about a csi finale. the trip has 2 parts & 2 lessons. both will stay with me.

hot as balls

june 1 tweet from @runnrgrl hot as balls. fuck. texas owns my ass. left my running badass self in canada.

yeah...that about sums it up. i ran 6.2 miles in about 53 minutes. stopped about 7 times. drank 16 oz of water. at 1 point i stopped sweating for a bit. i wasn't going to have a heart attack, i was merely in texas. the warmest temps i usually face during training are around 70F. since i train in the early mornings, it's rare for the sun to be that warm. that was the hottest run i've ever done.

one of my friends gets up at 4 am on a weekend to get her long runs done before the sun even rises. i cannot grasp the dedication of that commitment. i can't comprehend how people even race in this heat with fast fast times. sure, i'm told i'd acclimatize...yeah maybe...i still think that it takes a special kind of badass to train in the texas heat. every day, my friends forge their toughness in that inferno. i'm humbled. inspired.

hotter than fuck

for the first time in 16 years, i spent an entire wknd with friends. usually i mix my social life with my work or family time...but this time, i left everything behind. nothing expected of me, nothing owed, no time scheduled or structured.

it took me about 12 hours to finally pull my shoulders down from my ears. to relax, to finally sink into calmness... i could just simply be myself for me.i let my hair down as i hung out in my signature look of my nightie & cowboy hat ( a gift) for most of the day on friday.

when i relaxed, my laugh was for real. i was present and not drifting away lost in my thoughts.we stayed up late talking,confiding, sharing and sometimes crying and mostly laughing. i needed that sanity check weekend. i needed to know that underneath the responsibilities, and meeting everyone's else's needs, i can take a bit of time just for my own.

i exist. the slightly crazy wild part of me.i needed to know that although its been a rough six months, i can still bubble up and see the light and the spark. i haven't lost that ability to be fun, spontaneous, and just soak up every second of life.

so, when i look at our pics from that wknd, damn, we look hot! how could we not? texas just brings out the sizzle.

laughing and dancing

my two hot dates on saturday night

teeth

2011-05-15T20:31:00.000-04:00

JP, me, Troy, Rox - pre-race dinner at Cafe Nervosa

Troy, Derek & I - post-race lunch at Bar Italia

toronto goodlife half marathon
sunday, may 15, 2011
50F, light rain. NE wind
1:43:41 - 1 minute PR & New York City Marathon (NYCM)Auto Qualification
17/271 women 40-44

goal
i had one main goal. to shave 42 seconds off of my best half marathon time to qualify for NYCM - I needed a 1:44:00 or better. doesn't sound tough. but you know, on any given day, running can be a battle. i have no complaints about the race and i did a few things i know made a difference.

deja vu
today wasn't easy. there wasn't one moment of time when i thought i could relax. not a minute where i could say ok, now i've got it, i can relax. it was so incredibly reminiscent of my first marathon where i was going for a BQ. i had the same thoughts. i made it then too.

*just* a half
last night, at dinner with some great friends i met for the first time - JP, Roxanne, and Troy who came all the way from Columbus to run and hang out. JP was running his 52nd marathon today. Roxanne her first. I think this was Troy's 201st half marathon. i jokingly said that i was so glad i was only doing a half. really, after the messed up head i've had all winter, a half was plenty to get ready for.

race-itis - idk it's what kerrie said i had
this week, my hip and achilles and in fact my whole left leg started acting up.i started taking ice baths on the friday to calm down the swelling. i wasn't sure if i could run through the pain. i can't take ibuprofen so ice, rest and compression are all i have. they were enough it seems. either that or adrenaline took over this morning.

my husband let me finish first
it was fantastic to run with my husband. he hung in beside for 5 miles and at 10 miles i edged ahead too far. it was ok. we had an agreement. i never run a race with anyone. it's always the same. if one of us flags, the other must go on. its clear. no guilt. no holding back. we are there to run our own race and we'll hang together as long as we can. we have finished one race hand-in-hand - his first triathlon and my first duathlon. today, he came in 90 seconds behind me with his own PR of 5 minutes. we're pretty lucky. :)

shaving seconds
i had prepared for this race bc i didn't think it would come easy.i'm not a natural at running so i just think about it a lot and try to be strategic.
>i never carry my water. this time i did.
>i didn't want to stop for any reason.
>i usually try to run negative splits or a very even race. this time i didn't care.
>if i saw a place where i could pick up time, i took it.
>i surged on the downhills to give myself time because i know i'm slow on the uphills.
>i rarely looked at my garmin.
>i saw curves and ran the tangents.
>i fought for this...until about a mile to go.

a strange encounter
with one mile left to go, a man came up and was on the edge of the course, yelling encouragement. obviously, he'd finished already. i get very snarly when i'm racing, so i snarked back at him to the tune of "yeah. well this sucks. you want to help me then pace me to the end of this fucking nightmare."

so...he did. he said you love this. it's ok, you're there. no need to stress. relax those shoulders.i told him i had to make 1:44 to get into New York. Then he said, then let me help you for two minutes. this is what you've been dreaming of. this is why you love this so much. now, focus on your form. clear your mind. run because you fucking love it...(yeah, he swore that much in a latin american accent)...so he ran beside me up to about .5 mile to go and said your pace is up now, now finish it with a smile. wow, eh? who does that?

i made my goal with 21 seconds to spare. the biggest reason was random-unplanned-some stranger who talked to me as i'd talk to a friend. tough love with enough encouragement to get me to finish strong.

you move me, for reals.
all along a very long winter (yes metaphorically too), and a fragile spring, many many of my virtual and real friends, including my coach, have believed in me when i couldn't. the stranger at the end didn't do a thing that any one of you wouldn't have also done. in my mind now, i never run alone. today, for the first time i also raced without music. my ipod died at the start.

your words kept me moving, kept me pushing. right to the end...i cannot thank you for the way you've transformed my outlook and kept me company when i've needed it so much. not enough words to thank you.

same old same old
once again, i surprised myself (possibly the only person surprised, ironically).
once again, i made my goal by the skin of my teeth.... and it was my c goal :)
once again, the best part of the whole experience was meeting my friends.

my bitch

2011-05-07T16:12:00.002-04:00

this is about competing. by me. with me. and what i get out of it. i love seeing race updates come in and my favourites are those that are just jubilant. for whatever reason. because when i see someone reach a milestone, go someplace that they never dreamed of before, it makes the little girl inside of me happy...here's why.

not my religion

lots of people race.some people race for fun. great. some people race for the trophy, prestige or acclaim.i love my races as much as anyone else but my medals are jumbled up in a box, i forget to order marathon pictures, i don't have my bibs up on a wall. running isn't my religion, i don't care if it's yours.i will admit though, that i collect and hold onto my race mementos but because of what they mean to me, beyond running. so,i guess they are trophies after all..

just do it already

some people race to compete. i race for myself. i have my goals and targets and i hit them or i don't. i don't share them often with loads of people. i've talked about this before. i don't respect the blabberers. shut up and hit it. tell me after.high five.

shut up

but you know what gets me? it's the bravado.the in-your-face would-be competitors.the silly girl who comes up to me at the gym and says, hey you run. i bet i could beat you. ya? well fuck i hope so...why couldn't she? - she's 14 yrs younger, no kids, no husband and maybe no career. the point here -- aside from my somewhat bitterness in that moment (because usually, i know i'm awesomesauce and don't let the stupid gits get to me) -- is that i simply don't care about competing with anyone but myself. i know my challenges and my effort. a marathon doesn't come close to the toughest thing i've ever done.

there are days, when women like me, who juggle it all and MORE, put their shoes on and run. there are loads of other women who fight all kinds of obstacles and do it anyway. they aren't your superstar elites.they are tremendous in all their endeavours.i hope someone tells them that too, if they don't tell themselves. so...i know all that rationally.

yeah, i'm an angry bitch

emotionally, however, when someone who doesn't know me, comes and wants to take me on...fuck. ya. bring it. i'll eat them alive. i'm not a hateful person but i have been-mostly hating myself. so, yeah. i have rage. and i like it. i use it. for myself - mostly when i race. it's the only way. and trust me, i have enough for a lifetime.

but rage is my bitch now

for the first time, this winter, i had motivation issues. but i had to suck it up. i've been there before and i've pulled myself up from nothing. walking out of home at 18 with nothing was the best thing i could have done. i don't worry about scraping bottom. i hit bottom full on .i reveled in it, fed off it and then made it my bitch.

fuck the fear

so when i race, i conquer a little bit of the fear inside that girl who grew up cringing every time she spoke, every time she looked up and didn't know the mood around her. running and racing is one small way i free that scared girl, and give her the right to celebrate.

btw - i am running the 2011 Chicago marathon to raise money for women's health research for northwestern memorial hospital. please donate to help us all make a difference in the lives of others. (sidebar)

stupid secret

2011-04-10T16:00:00.002-04:00

this day, a friend just kept me quiet company so i wouldn't be alone with thoughts i couldn't face. see...i hide things well

as i write, i have a sorta stabbing pain mostly in my abdomen and kinda going right into my back. it's dying down but two hours ago i was doubled over, wrapped up in the ache.

for three months, or maybe more, i'm not sure, i've been keeping this to myself. haven't told my husband or my friends. today, i had to give it up to my running friend who knew i was pushing against something more than the wind. so i told her. came home and told my husband. and now i'm saying it out loud. i guess i've made a decision about it.

ya ya whatever
when i first started to run, this pain was there four years ago, somewhere under a barely visible caesarian scar. i'd had an ultrasound back then and it was inconclusive but there was a lump.doctor measured it and said we'd watch it but it was likely scar tissue. every year she's had a look and can't feel it any larger.

who gives a fuck?
now the lump is bigger. i can feel it. it's hurting. i haven't said a word. there's lots of reasons why i've kept my secret. i spent much of winter wanting to simply fade away.

i've always known that running connects me to my will to live, to be alive in the most full, deep, robust and passionate away. i lost my drive to run...not as a cause, but as a symptom.i was supposed to race last night. i couldn't do it.

for a smart girl, i'm very stupid i know, spare me the lecture.
now, its time to step up again. i feel the drive coming back.slowly.these days, i'm counting on a few more people to lean on. to help me find my way back in running, and in wanting to feel alive. thank you for your support, forgiveness & patience.

and ya, i'll see my doc this wk.

secret's out...now we wait

saw my doctor. the lump is larger and definitely tender. we still think it could be scar tissue that has been torn w core work or running. however, she thinks, and i agree, it's time to get rid of this pain in my side...

i'm off to get an ultrasound as soon as i can. that test, along with one from 4 years ago showing the mass at that time, will be sent to a surgeon. likely more tests to clarify exactly what's going on and then surgery.

thank you again. i have received dozens of heart-felt personal messages from people i've never met, who barely know me (well, through this blog- you know me better than most). i am ever ever grateful and appreciative for that support. i'm sure we'll keep in touch as we see what happens.

and now...time for some scotch....slainte.

UDPATE (I said this in the comments but I"ll say it again because, i like the sound of it)
wooohoooo....that's a good news whoop, in case you couldn't tell. test results came in yesterday and things are gonna be alright.the lump is scar tissue and hasn't increased. It is likely a good idea to have it removed so I have a surgical consult coming up but no great urgency. i will run chicago marathon (for my women's health charity!) and then i can have my surgery-during recovery, yo! :) thanks again so much for all the kind words and virtual hugs. i soaked up every single one of them. :)))

gun shy

2011-03-30T22:37:00.000-04:00

i've been slacking for 4 weeks and for the past 2, i've been at odds with myself. i've wondered if my passion for running somehow left me. i've looked for signs of spark. i've tried too hard to force myself to act out something i haven't felt. my training was mechanistic and ultimately, frustrating.

after glow

yesterday i was reminded of the fire i used to have. my friend luke from my gym ran an amazing 18mi (30K) race this past sunday.he was telling how he crossed the finish line with the best time he'd ever had. his face was totally lit up. he had no clue how much he was grinning.

denial
luke's race recap touched a chord in me. i didn't feel envious. i was supposed to have run that race but for the first time ever, i bailed. it wasn't on my race plan but i have rarely turned down a new adventure. and this time, i didn't do it and i was glad.relieved.i was anxious i couldn't perform. i didn't want to face it.

spark?
yet...his excitement kindled a spark. i felt a little uptake in motivation. i thought that maybe i'd get back there to his level of commitment one day...it was still in me. it fluttered. i smiled thinking about it. good to know i can still feel the thrill of a race.

maybe not
in vivid contrast, last year at this time while training for boston, (my 2nd marathon), i had a 20 miler coming up and it was only going to be the 6th time i'd ever run that far. it's bittersweet to look back when now every run is an effort. every step forward is a challenge. i want to pack it in somedays and walk away. but there's so much to lose, so much that i've gained, so much that i'm deeply passionate that i'd be turning my back to.i've never felt anything like it, felt so alive.

it's simple
i got some really good advice a year ago about how to tackle my 20 miler. it was simple and straightforward as truth usually is. "Just gotta have faith in your training, and remember that you just gotta keep taking steps. As long as you're taking steps, the miles run themselves. You'll be fine."

i ran 22 miles that day on the strength of those words and the belief that every step was carrying me to my goal. i had so much confidence and faith that i ran an extra 2 miles. remembering my jubilation then only makes me sad now.

is it impossible?
but things are changing. i feel a little spark, and know i'm not ready to pack it in. i'm going to take that same advice now. i have to get over being ready to race again, i want to be ready. i want to feel that surge, that energy. that high that lifts me up and makes me feel like nothing is insurmountable.

patience
sometimes i've pushed training too hard in the past 2 wks and tried to make it feel natural again....but my efforts backfire and i end up exhausted. a passion can't be forced, rushed or faked. it's ok to be tentative and gentle. it's ok to go slow for a while. with time, my passion runs deep and motivation will return...who knows maybe the damn snow will be gone by then too?

screwed

2011-03-14T22:49:00.000-04:00

i told a friend that i wear sunglasses to run with because the wind makes my eyes water. truly, it's because lately i've been crying so much as i run that i don't want anyone to know.

at the gym, i put my earbuds in even when my ipod isn't on and i don't look around. i avoid socializing because i don't want to get too close to people. and yet, i crave companionship.

this weekend i was brutally reminded that running is my sole confidant. sometimes it is my sanity as well. i am so reluctant to trust and to share but i wanted to, for once, have a friend to believe in and to believe in me. i thought i'd found a confidant to share with and be there for. in the name of friendship i opened up and i shared so much, so gradually, so carefully. turns out i gave my faith too cheaply.

i let myself be naked and received so little in return. i'd cry to my friend talking about some painful remembrance and get a meagre "I see" in return. i asked so many times, if i was sharing too much, if the time was ok to talk, if i was being a pest, a burden or just plain boring. i was always encouraged to keep sharing...even when i wanted to close down and walk away. i could see this coming i guess and just wanted to save myself...but i have always put up the walls when the sharing gets too much so i thought i'd keep trusting for a bit. it was really nice to have the non-judgemental companionship and perspective (and there were lots of times when that was the case).

however, as things wore on, with diminishing responsiveness from my friend, the pain, frustration and sadness of a lopsided friendship built up in me. i started to pull back and in the end was left hollow.increasingly the responses became more cursory, more distant, and sometimes perfunctory. i waited to see if my trust would be reciprocated and it stopped. i finally woke up chilled to know i'd put my trust with the wrong person.it wouldn't be returned. it would only be taken.

i've kept silent now for days. i wish the way was clear. it isn't. i grew as a person by sharing and so i wouldn't trade that for anything. i had real moments of closeness and happiness and those made me emotionally dependent and i hate that. i think it could be time to walk away as i've so often done. to save myself.i'm not sure so i'm just settling into the in-between to see what's best for me. i'm what counts now. i'm not sharing this now to blame, only to sort it out, air it out to the light of day and help me. this is about me now. only me.

this weekend I took my thoughts with me on my runs. i let myself be carried along by the turmoil of my emotions.at times when i ran, i was overpowered by the strangle hold of the hurt and disappointment. i was mad at myself for having been so easily fooled. my heart raced and I had to stop and slow down to absorb the pain.

i questioned the value of being close to anyone (i'm not talking about my family-so ever thankful that i never question their love). but you know, we all need friendship too. i hadn't realized how much i needed that until this past year when life became too much to bear alone. i decided in the end, i'm worthy of respect.

i need to focus now on those who bring me happiness. i'm blessed because i have so many people who i could turn to, who respect me and can return my care and concern robustly. so, i'm focussing on my renewal. i'm turning to those around me whose friendship to the extent i've allowed it, has always been non-conditional.

so, until i heal, running is my only solace and comfort. it will never exploit my frailty, take my pain for granted or reject me. it is reliable, constant and always embraces me-whether i'm crying or laughing.i need to be held in its arms and propelled forward past pain, cold and darkness back into laughter, warmth and light.

i need this winter to end. thankfully spring is around the corner.

scary as fuck

2011-03-01T21:53:00.001-05:00

i don't trust you. it's not your fault, but mine. i can't. you'll let me down...and really who hasn't.

f-u
a friend offered to pace me at my marathon this coming october. i turned him down.he cajoled me. i turned him down. he told me he'd tell dirty jokes the whole time. i told him to fuck off. nice, eh.

wtf
he did make me wonder what my deal was. it's pretty simple.i left home at 18 and never looked back.i burnt through a ton of rage and hit the bottom. made a few choices (the right ones) and pulled myself out of the deep.til then, i'd always counted on someone to help me. they never did. i had to help myself. so i did. i count on myself.

ftw
that's my aversion to a pacer. even a friend. i want to do it on my own. i want the glory of my achievement and the sorrow of my failure to be mine. i want to own my race no matter what the outcome. i don't want to need anyone for anything.

effed up

that's where my logic goes to hell in a handbasket. i've already admitted that i have needs. i need and cherish people's support. i like it. i really have to admit that i love finding people who i can talk to about all my passions - running, cycling, food, sex, wine, scotch...all my delights (verdant summer trail runs) and all my guilty pleasures (eating pringles in bed and licking salt off of my fingers).

fml
so why can't i just give in and put my faith in someone when they swear they won't let me down...wish i knew. it is lonely being so seemingly self-sufficient...i'm starting to find out that to share delight with someone, to share the ups and the downs of running and to let people in, is inherently rewarding. at the same time....it's scary as fuck.

smoulder

2011-02-06T17:04:00.000-05:00

off the track

winter has a stark, barren beauty. running on the snowy paths in the silent countryside makes me feel keenly alive - blood pounds in my temples and a rivulet of sweat runs down my spine, while my breath is a plume around my face, icing my eyelashes.

this winter, i changed my focus...maybe, it was just to avoid the long runs of last year, being so cold i couldn't feel my legs for most of the run-couldn't even tell i was on a downhill. my water bottles and gels would freeze.

it would've been so completely natural to continue to marathon train this winter and fall into a cycle of training that i had become used to. but it was time to step off the track.

suffocate

there are days, weeks or sometimes just a few hours when i feel like there is nothing left of me. after my family's needs, my career's needs, my workteam's needs, my training's needs, i had nothing left for myself.

every minute of every day was accounted for and planned. from 5 a.m. when i get up to 12 a.m. when i go to sleep usually, there was rarely a spare 30 minutes that didn't have an objective. i had no more space left for whoever i was. i was buried in the needs of everything else.

it felt like my life was being sucked out of me.

breathe

i changed things.decided to take some time and hone my skills in a different, new way that would force a different rhythm onto my established routines.the new workouts make me rethink old corrupt perspectives.

in many ways i'm rebuilding, redefining by putting aside my automatic responses.its tough to clear my mind and simply focus on my training goal because some days the self-doubt is so strong.the work to become a better runner is internal as much as external. i've never worked harder on unlocking myself.

deep

the curious side effect of this mental coaching is that i am very quiet and still on the outside.i crave the silence.i lose myself in my thoughts and sift and sort through them in my time.

i can never do that for long, because the needs of others always call me. in fulfilling those needs is a deep sense of gratification also. those commitments ground and sustain me often.

yet, a part of me is deep within, unravelling the tangles and snarls that hold me back in so many ways.

smoulder

i haven't yet committed to any races but one in the fall.for some reason, i haven't signed up.i will though. i'm just thinking about it, taking my time. just because the fire isn't raging, doesn't mean that it's out...

my passion for running remains. it's deeply smouldering at the moment, with no big flames or smoke...but ready to awaken soon, perhaps stronger.

no more pussyfooting

2011-01-23T17:11:00.000-05:00

it's no secret. i hate speedwork. when i see it on the plan, i try to ignore it. i have a bunch of different ways i get myself motivated to do it. it's almost like i have to coax myself to get into it. sneak up on it. disguise it as something else. fool myself into it. but in the end, i'm not fooling myself...i just tell myself to HTFU and get it done ...(here's a funny take on Hardening the Fuck Up - the blue is a link to a youtube video HTFU Australia )

scared stiff
in school, i know people who'd freeze for exams. they'd spend all this time studying and then come time for the exam, they'd start worrying about it weeks ahead of time. i was never like that. i've never sweated an exam. i'd look forward to them and couldn't wait to dive in. now, years later, i get what performance anxiety is.

head on
i'm focussing on my speed this winter and so i'm sticking to the commitment. i thought it was time for a change in my routine.time to meet the fear. i'm not even sure what i'm afraid of. i'm only competing with myself.

swallow it
for the past 6 months, every time i saw the words time trial, i'd find an out. i didn't do one. figured a race would be my time trial. it's odd though, because if i'd been given a set of paces and distances to do, i'd do them. (i'd still be reluctant but like eating brussel sprouts, i know they're good for me, so i'd swallow them down).

barf up a lung

when it comes to speed intervals, i'm reminded of the awful feeling i had when i first started to run - how horrible it feels to go breathless, with my heart pounding and my legs turning to jello. i have to deal with the same feelings of - can i do this? i'm not a runner, who am i kidding? i bring back all of the baggage that i haven't been able to leave just yet.

gag
i had a 5k time trial slated 2 days ago. i felt sick. not sure if it was because i didnt eat much the day before or because i was making myself sick over the test. i tried to run and as soon as i began to hit the pace, i'd start to gag. after 3 episodes, i gave up. i did some core and went and had coffee with the gang. everyone else had already finished their workouts.

(wo) man up, already
so yesterday, i decided just to get'er done. it took me 15 minutes of walking and jogging to work my mind into accepting that i was about to push hard for 3.1 miles.i am such a stubborn fuck sometimes. i was finally in the head space i go to right before a race. here i am. better go out and get this over with. there's a calm then and a focus that locks in.

chuffed
well...i blew the doors off of my old 5k race time. i blew away my own expectations. as i ran and pushed the speed up, i talked to myself a few times, telling myself to do it. move it, run harder. i was relentless. driven. and in the end, absolutely chuffed.

more in the tank
what's even more surprising...i had more in the tank. when i was done, i recovered in less than 5 minutes and was ready for more...so i spent the rest of my energy in 60 minutes of spin.

my mind blows
the good news is that i'm improving.the work is paying off. the bad news is that mentally, i'm still making it harder than it has to be. that's extra energy i can use better. in some ways, that is the absolute toughest challenge i'm facing.

no more pussyfooting
when i see speedwork, i have to tell myself to suck it up. get it done. be glad that i'm blessed enough to run in the first place. no one is forcing me to do this. results come from hard work. so screw this pussyfooting about speedwork, i want PRs. in every distance. for every race. ya. i said it.

show me love

2011-01-09T22:35:00.000-05:00

my first 5k was april 2007

a series of direct messages from a friend from twitter set off a torrent of emotion. this was the first time she's ever told me about her running. here are the notes (copied with permission)

I wanted to tell you I love your blog. Dog walking was the extent of my athletic ability. It was a dream over the past 8 months to walk more than just the dog.I casually told my hubs and he laughed. So I said nothing more. Kept walking.

I decided I needed to walk 5k. Mapped out my neighborhood and picked a date. The date came and I did it. In a dark downpour. But I did it. Told no one. First timed 5k.

I found out after the first timed 5k some women were inspired by me. I have a few pounds to lose and many who were watching who thought you had to be in great shape. I almost felt like a rock star. Even tonight my husband was talking about how I shouldn't try any other 5ks.

Completed second 5k. I tell this to you because I was feeling stupid. Hubs and son thought I should stop with one 5K. But it's like a drug and I want more. They said I could not do it alone. Your blog proves otherwise! So thank you!

Told family night before. I hoped daughter might come. No one came. I was not last. Third to last. I started sobbing when I went thru finish line. The only reason I wasn't last is the last 2 ladies stopped at bathroom. Then I went out and my time was not good.So I reread your blog!

Just making myself go to the first one was hard! I felt foolish. And the second one in the thunderstorm was very foolish! Lol.

what a tremendous story of courage and determination. i was touched by her candour and also by the pain and the victory. such enormous surges of emotion all simultaneously.

so naked to you

i'm only 4 years ahead of this woman on her running path. emotionally, though,her story resonates within me as part of my own history.when we share our dreams with people close to us, when we ask them to help us or support us, we are so naked to them.

scar tissue

even though we are strong, we are at our most vulnerable with those closest to us.we look for their approval and we don't have to be weak to do so - its just natural to want love to help us conquer our challenges.when we face laughter, or silence, or disbelief, the cut is deep and bleeds within us. for me, it's never really healed. i wish i could say otherwise.

courage, my love

the story of a courageous woman who ran in the dark rather than face the fear of defeat in the daylight will be with me for a long time. i dont find inspiration in the BQ ppl or running royalty, i find it with women who overcome. she will help me be stronger, tougher and remind me of my own sense of purpose. i'm honoured to have inspired her as she now inspires me.

shhhh....i touch myself

2011-01-06T22:44:00.000-05:00

masturbation. we all do it. call it what you will. flick the bean, spank your monkey, play the skin flute, rub one out or pull your goalie (tis hockey season after all).

private
most people consider self-love a private matter & don't announce it on twitter or facebook. i'm okay with keeping it private. TMI. TMI. it doesn't mean i don't do it, or that i don't enjoy it...i just won't tell you about it. but some people will and they do. is that so bad? we choose what we read. we can move on.

up in my grill
lately, i've had a bee in my bonnet about people who can't stop proclaiming their new year's resolutions. lots of people have shiny new goals. mine are the same but bully for you resolutioners! good job. well done. now shut up and get it done already. can't stand the gum-flappers and loud proclaimers. this is the year i will....xxx. well, whatever dude, really, sometimes i'm about the results.i don't want to hear about each and every tedious step. and really, can't we change the topic now...(i have to go update my daily mile training log & tweet it...ya i know..hypocrite..just wait...gets better)

screamer
i have goals but i'm not a proclaimer-i like to keep them close and safe and private mostly. if you ask, i'll tell, but i rarely declare them openly for months and months. it's just not how i am, but i shouldn't get annoyed with others for celebrating their enthusiasm for what they want to achieve.if i get irritated by their updates, i should move on about my business.

strong & silent
the runners i'm drawn to, they're the ones that are quiet, confident and humble.they usually have a full life and many interests. they have running goals, a solid focus and they hit them and move on. the humility is compelling.

a selfish act
as i pushed to the puke threshold with my speed intervals this morning, i was asking myself why i had to do speed work at all. i'm not running my next race until april. then a friend came by and answered ... you do it for yourself.

a simple truth

i seek to improve my running for myself. it's selfish and relentless. i push hard to see how fast i can go. my comfort zone makes me restless so i keep moving it further out. in the end, running, like masturbation, is for my release, my gratification.

it's ALL good
i'm no better than anyone who is shouting out their goals at new year's or any other time. i have goals but only share with a private audience. maybe i just envy the people who can be open with their goals because i can't be. does it matter?

whether you choose to tell or not, solitary pleasure is intensely satisfying.

my pleasure

2011-01-02T01:12:00.000-05:00

my memory is vivid and sharp like a razor blade. a curse ... and a blessing.

bittersweet
the week between christmas and new year's day is always bittersweet for me. if i let the memories pull me in, i'd be stuck in darkness and despair that i felt so many years ago when a chapter of my life closed forever. yet, the contrast between where i've been, what i've seen and where i am now has never been more stark.

move on
i made a choice to stand strong and dig deep way back then.i made a few commitments to myself about what i value and what i'd never let anyone take from me.i have no regrets and plenty of dreams even still.

uplift
the darkness never lasts too long. a smile appears and energy bubbles back up inside. this week i used my traplike memory to my benefit. i buoyed myself with the smiles and images of runners around the world that i've connected with somehow.

cherish you
i am astonished by how many people i've connected with and how many i've met, spoken to and have shared stories with. i remember the names of people's pets (velcro is hard to forget), their children's achievements (from dance to hockey) their ups & downs and the injuries and triumphs they've shared with me - from life and from running.

thank you
i will never have the words to thank the vast community of runners i've 'met' for perking me up through a kind little email with a funny story, countless hours of gtalk when i've needed to sort things through, and the little tweets that punctuate my day in the place where i go to play.

honour you
i asked my friends to send me images of fun and laughter. their mementos of joy are infectious. here's my labour of love and appreciation of the beauty i am so blessed to have in my life. it my pleasure and my privilege to know, even a little bit, such warm and loving people.

here's the video & collage we made together ... peace, yo.

i need you

2010-12-13T23:15:00.000-05:00

10 days ago someone called me needy. i've been called alot of things but that one thing is the one that gets me. it gets under my skin. it festers.it oozes. i can't get it out of my craw. know what i need? i need to get this out.

flying solo
i go to great lengths to be self-sufficient. i trained for every race from 5 k to my first marathon on my own. my friends poked fun at me and my online anonymous program with the boxes i crossed off. if you look at my blog from last year, you'll see the plan. i was proud of working it out on my own. 95% of the time i run alone. i have never run a race with a pacer and i never want to. my garmin died right before my first marathon and i had to run by feel.i still hit my goal.

people suck

there are very few people i've ever counted on, i've ever believed in and sometimes i hear people wonder if i can. well i can. i have. and when i did, the hurt and pain of the disappointment of my stupidly naive belief made me curl into a ball and never want to look up again. but i got up -just with more resolve to not be so vulnerable again.

broken
this year, i faced the ultimate irony. the same self-sufficiency, fierce independence and armour that has helped me achieve so much was my undoing. i was face-to-face with need.i was losing my energy to run boston by pushing myself too hard without enough self-kindness. i needed someone to help me. i needed someone to give me the permission that i won't allow myself. i was broken and i was in need.

bite the hand
i still hate the fact that i need my coach but i do. he's worked hard to get to know my limits. he's interested in how i respond to his advice and he knows i deliver.he expects me to get in touch and report in so he can make the best plan for me. sometimes i don't and i hear from him...but he forgives me and gently asks again.

he has defined when i should push and when i need to rest. only once was he truly cross with me. i had decided to take my last long run of 22 miles onto the gravel country hills for the back half - three weeks from my marathon. i finished crying from pain and crawled to my ice bath. when i told him, that was the first and only flash of pure annoyance.he was miffed i'd risk injury so close to race day.

i inspire people. no fucking way.
i hurt. i need. i am not superhuman. i am not extraordinary or special. and sometimes i'm so broken, i guess you could say i'm needy.

yet, really, i inspire people i'm told. i'm uncomfortable hearing that i inspire people. i don't write for people. i need to write for myself. in doing so, i have found that sometimes my voice echos other's melodies binding us in our running and in our humanity.

i need you
so sure, maybe i inspire you. and if i do, i'm grateful. i have few issues being motivated.being inspired, however, is a different calling. i'm inspired by the achievements, the joy, and the connection to other people that i feel for the first time in a very long time.

i came to run because of a need.i came to write because of a need. so, in spite of my best attempts to deny it, i am soft. i am vulnerable and i stand before you openly [and ready to flinch]. i'm glad if you need to hear what i say every once in awhile. maybe i say things you need to hear. well....i need you...more.

p.s. so after all that, wtf? i guess i am needy and like everything else, it's good to know and get over, so i can get on with running.

mind fuck

2010-11-26T10:03:00.001-05:00

running is about the biggest mind fuck i know. it plays with my sense of who i am and what i think i can do. in the end, all i can do is shake my head and wonder- half amused and half stunned. it's like someone else's dream i just woke up in. i wonder at who the person is in the mirror looking back at me as i get dressed in the dark at 5:30 am to run in sub-zero temps this morning with a howling north wind. what the hell has happened to me?

piss

no matter what i've thought my limits have been, running has pushed them all. in every dimension. i didn't think i could run at all and remember how just running for the treadmill for a whole 20 minutes was a tremendous victory. i remember coming home, humiliated, and shattered - crying at pissing myself during my early runs. (ya, it still happens from time to time). i never thought i could run a half marathon, much less a qualify for boston on my first marathon. these things don't happen to me. i'm not gifted. i'm not athletic. i wasn't allowed to play sports. i wasn't allowed to run.

blood

but fuck that, i am a runner now. and i'm still going through that transformation. no one could've told me i'd be so determined to do my best in chicago that i'd cross the line with blood streaming down my legs. at the end, in those pictures, it doesn't matter. i did what i came to do. my attitude to life is part of my approach to running. running helps me slay those demons that tell me that i'll never make anything of myself, that i don't matter, that i'll never be good at sports...the simple act of one foot in front of the other has transformed me.

metamorphosis

On the topic of transformation, last week, i had the privilege and honour of interviewing Gordon, (@veganG26_2 on twitter) on his own journey with running - the interviews come on the heels of his latest marathon where he took an hour and 45 minutes off of his last marathon finish time.He's an extraordinary man who was courageous enough to answer my questions. Join us as I crawl into his mind....

Episode 5 of The Running Life is also available on iTunes

http://shadwell.podbean.com/

cougar talk

2010-11-06T18:36:00.000-04:00

invisible
older women were once invisible. now they're visible but only in the most extreme sense.mostly because they are cariactures, ridiculous parodies of their younger selves.occasionally there'll be an older woman that transcends the scorn but most fade away into obscurity. i don't mean that they aren't visible and ever-present for their loved ones, their children, their husbands but when they walk down the street or go into a store, they are increasingly faceless, nameless, non-descript. i fear this.

invincible
everyday when i wake up i'm no different than i've been for years. when i wake up i dont think about how old i am. i dont even care about the age of the ppl around me -in my mind, we're equally goofy, fun and loveable (and ya, sexy). then, without warning, i'm reminded that i'm different. i'm older. sometimes the difference seeps in through a casual remark or something someone says that they don't even think about. i've done it myself. i'm certain i've done it often. it's the privilege of youth i suppose to celebrate arrogance- the firmness of flesh, the feeling of invincibility, immortality..

insufferable
why are older women such a laughingstock for all? the cruelty to any women over 40 is disturbing to me.insufferable. they've had children. they've had strong, enduring relationships and their eyes have that same sassy twinkle that they had when they were 18. life has taken us down such diverse paths and our bodies bear the evidence of our stories - our wrinkles, our stretch marks, varicose veins and crepe-y skin. some try to keep up and some just hide.

imperfect
there are lots of lucky women like me who have someone to share their life with.someone that never sees my scars, the imperfections and wishes my skin was growing less impervious to others rather than more so. he wishes i could see what he sees. i'm trying :)

insensitive
when i call out someone who might be cruel to a woman, something as mundane as calling a woman a desperate cougar if she swears off of mom jeans, i get told to not be ridiculous- the remark wasn't intended for me...but wasn't it? it used to be the same way when my friends told paki jokes when i was in school (i grew up in a hick town and was the only indian kid in my grade and one of 4 in the school). my friends would laugh and say i shouldn't get offended. i wasn't a paki....but i was.

intentional
there is no secret about why i run. i run to stay alive in every sense of the word. i know i have a limited time to be around and if i run i can celebrate even more of what life has to offer.i want to taste it all. i want to keep tasting, seeing,feeling and loving til i drop. i am not content to say that life stops at a certain age. i cannot consider writing off my need to feel sexy, to feel attractive inside and out at any age. i can't accept it and i won't.

inspirational
the running community has shown me that i am surrounded by women of all ages who share the same vision and who have blazed trails i'm only just discovering.they are daunting in their perseverance and commitment to a sport and they revel in the benefits. the men that support them, adore these women for their passion and sheer determination. who wouldn't want to walk beside a woman like that into frailty and old age?

indomitable
i am a woman over 40. in 4 wks i'll be 42. the women i most admire are the ones who have seized every last drop of life, the ones that have a sassy sense of self-confidence and grace that renders their physical age meaningless. they glow with vitality, dynamism and their eyes have never lost that sparkle. the depth of passion, the richness, and the complexity of these tremendous women compel me to live my life with purpose, passion, and poise. maybe i should let myself be deaf to the ignorant commentary of those who couldn't possibly know better. if they only knew how much hotter i am now than i've ever been. :) xo

the morning after

2010-10-25T00:06:00.002-04:00

now what?

i don't know what to do, but am i ever cranky at times. perfect time of year too- i don't need a broom to be a witch. it's been 12 months of one foot in front of the other. one race had opened the door to the next and i just followed the path. now that's over. i made a choice not to run boston in april 2012. i took a detour. i didn't want to train in the winter. sounds whiny but its true.the qualification holds for 18 months so i thought a low key winter wouldn't be a bad idea. i remembered the frozen water bottles.

what was i thinking?

i thought i'd work on speed and strength this winter. i worry about losing my speed. speed work has been way harder for me than endurance training. so i thought i'd give the winter over to more intense speedwork. prep for a half in May and really really nail it.

but...

as i'm into week 3 of recovery with two runs since october 10, i'm feeling very restless. recovery is worse than taper. i feel so out of sorts. off balance. it's like the morning after the big event....such a let down.

my fears

i've always been afraid that i'll wear myself out. literally. i guess i hear it so often from all the shorter distance runners around me or from family. so that's why i said, wait. isn't 3 marathons in one year enough. maybe i need to replenish, rebuild, let my body rest.

trouble

the trouble is i don't feel like resting. i want to run. i like marathons. i like the focus they give me. i'm GOAL-oriented. i get stuff done. i hit it. is speed enough? what does that mean? sounds so nebulous. damn. what am i going to do everyday now? will i get lazy? flabby? omg i'm in the best shape of my life right now. (or i was 10 days ago).

relax

just talked to my coach (speedysasquatch@gmail.com). he's got a plan for speed and strength training. he knows me. says he'll give me interim goals. we have a half marathon time goal now. we're gonna see where we are in january. if i nail it and feel strong, we're going to start training for a full marathon in may. if not, we'll take the extra time and work on nailing the half in may. either way, i'll get there. he assures me i'll be ripped and fast. what else do i need?