but no one added any silicone to my derriere. :) ... here's the report i sent to my coach about the good news this week's observations brought me. i had a slump in february, travelled a lot, and then solo-parented for ten days without a kitchen (renos). so...now i'm back in the saddle...
but before we get to the report and the pix...
it's not all rainbows and unicorns for me...you know i think too much...here's what's been in my head.
i'm 45. weight lifting now. am i cliche? i hope not. most of my body looks better than it did when i was 25. but that spectre of aging is always with me.i have friends that are easily 10 years younger or more than i am and the age difference may not cross their minds but it is with me sometimes as i wonder how ridiculous i might seem to them. i wait for them to scoff at me as the young do to the old and frail; for them to gloat with their vitality and resilience.
i told my shrink that if i didn't find a way to deal with the ugliness of getting older, i wasn't going to be around in 10 years. there's no point in hiding that i'm vain, and i'm scared as fuck of becoming faceless, nameless and just an old lady that is invisible.
i've had it good. i've often fed off of the attention that vanity needs for sustenance to boost a flagging self-esteem and a voice that often used to say i'll never be good enough. fuck that voice though and fuck what anyone thinks about me. i'm stronger than anyone who mocks me with their self-centred arrogance. i've survived through a fuck tonne of awful stuff and i will never give in to being some kind of victim-even to aging.
this new found delight when i see how my body is getting stronger in places and ways it's never been before - that's motivating. i'm sure i'll get the crepy skin, the age spots, and the dangling tits that all women have as they age. (i hear labia dangle too. hey do you think women of a certain age and means get labia lifts along with a batch for their snatch?(hairdye folks))
but that's not the point for me - the feeling of strength - of lifting heavier and heavier weights with more fluid motion, it has been very insightful for me. it's given me a different way to fight my fears and to feel like i can be whole. that physical strength gives me inner strength and confidence i've rarely felt. it's so odd. just as i see flab give way to muscle, i'm seeing that despair i've had so often, lift. confidence is with me again and i wonder if i should even say that knowing how hard it has been to escape the darkness...but... fuck it. i'm taking the moment for what it is. life is for living and i'm not into regrets. not now. not ever...and yet, there are only three ppl i'd ever show these weekly pix to.still not there...but on the path...doesn't mean i'll be taking up twerking tho...in case you wondered.
ok, enough...pass the chicken please. i still haven't had enough protein and it's almost 10:30 pm. :)
Report to my coach...