Wednesday, March 26, 2014

beautiful pain

standing in the flames
it's a beautiful kind of pain
setting fire to yesterday
find the light.find the light.find the light...(eminem w sia)

the paradox of strength is that you have to be vulnerable to achieve it. you're stronger where you were once broken...not just true for bones.

i dropped the pretense of being whole and now i find myself more whole than ever. how does that even work. i always thought i'm so fucked up and carried it around. i thought my pain was invisible but it wasn't. my negativity, my depression - it was visible to everyone. when i told people that i struggle with how i see myself, i don't always love myself, and sometimes the days are too dark to get out of bed and the tears just stream down my face, i had the strangest response. no one rejected me or shunned me for it. i found the open arms of compassion and empathy...and i let myself be as i was, with no pretense. in the place of my self-imposed isolation, i found freedom and self-acceptance.

this paradox true even with my fitness - of strength being born through weakness. everything contradicts the way i'm used to thinking. i need to eat more so i can be more lean. i need to gain weight to be stronger. i weigh more but i'm thinner? ultimately muscle is stronger than scar tissue and so that's what i'm building in my mind and in my body. as i lift heavier weights, my mind is letting go of some of the heaviness.

everyone has something...i joined my coach's facebook group a few days ago.people are so candid and open with their thoughts and what they're working to overcome.i'm only as alone as i make myself. the stories of triumph over adversity make me wonder what the fuck i was worried about to begin with?

i still have tough days like this morning when i woke up crying because i didn't like what the scale had to say...the love and compassion shown by friends gets me through the sad days...those friendships have become stronger through my vulnerability. they're the keepers.


  1. Awesome and from the heart. The darned weight seems to fluctuate at times no matter how disciplined the diet. Ups and downs but long term the gold is at the end of the rainbow. Well maybe not but you get my drift:) (Sam)

  2. thank you sam. i guess it's easier to get through the ups and downs when you accept yourself. :) and when you don't, ppl around remind you about the good stuff...thanks for being one of those reminders for me.

  3. Powerful stuff.
    I really took to heart the "break up with your scale" advice after seeing so many times I've dropped in weight because I'm losing muscle, and other times I gain weight yet look f*cking cut and awesome.
    I've been thinking about what you speak of, vulnerability. Just ordered "Daring Greatly" by Brene Brown which talks a lot about it and has been mentioned by some of my most thoughtful twitter/blog friends.
    I'm glad you are on this journey. As much as running has done for me, I seem to grow the most when I'm injured and forced to shake things up.

    1. Thanks K. I'll definitely take a look for that book. It hasn't been my thing...but none of this has and so why not? is a better place to start...yeah. i'm glad i'm on this path now but i still stumble and seem to give power to those who i let hurt me. stating it here helps me make a commitment to myself to live true to those that bring me light and strength.

  4. Wow! I cannot understate how much this post got me thinking about the line - 'Paradox of Strength is that you have to be vulnerable to have achieved it'. I am yet to fully comprehend what you have stated and how you might have felt while typing this but it is an intense and powerful statement.

    While I am not someone who worries about his weight a lot; I have gained nearly 19kgs in the last 3-4 years since I was diagnosed with brittle bones (a variation of osteoporosis & lobstein). It is mainly due to lack of being active enough. I can see why it matters so much and staying fit is a key goal but worrying about the weighing scale on a daily / weekly basis seems too overwhelming. We all have goals and I respect that yours is to stay fit and be active (being measured in part by your weight?); but the post sounds as if you do get worried when the scale does not meet your expectation. I don't have any valuable advice to offer but look forward to hearing more from you on your journey.


  5. thanks sid for reading, for being supportive and for letting me know. yeah - the scale is an instrument that reflected a lack of discipline the week before. what i make of the number is what i need work with and i have to deal with it straight on and resolve that in this instance, because i'm building muscle, eventually i will be heavier...that's a tough concept for me to accept - which is exactly why i'm challenging myself to be healthier with that self-acceptance. i didn't do a great job of accepting myself yesterday and so, i talked about it. friends help me see things more clearly at times. :)

  6. You are welcome. I hope you can continue with your current regime and achieve the goals you have outlined for yourself. Its not always easy for the body and the mind to accept newer ideas (like I had to stop playing football once I was diagnosed) but we just have to get around it. I agree that talking about your feelings makes you feel better at times and I we will all be listening, patiently. :)


  7. So beautifully written, love! I can certainly relate!! I love you and can't wait until one day we can meet in person. Keep up the great work and never be afraid to be honest!!

    P.S. You gave me the best recommendation for Scotch. CHEERS!!!

  8. thank you so much Michelle for your support and kindness -- it's been years! :) of course, we must meet sometime and you know what our drink will be! :) ... you're one hell of a strong woman and so i'm certain you know a thing or two about this topic!

  9. Love this, Runnrgrrl! It's a lovely paradox that, in this vast universe, we're small, frail creatures prone to failure, and at the same time we're improbable miracles capable of miracles.

  10. Thanks PH... :) you know i often think of the infinite smallness of being and the infinite greatness...pascal. not sure where you drew your reference from, but i can relate.

  11. I guess it makes good sense that mathematicians and physicists would have more keen understandings of our place in this huge universe than we do. I love Pascal. And three hundred years closer to us, Feynman, who said, "Stands at the sea . . . wonders at wondering . . . I . . . a universe of atoms . . . an atom in the universe." Thanks, Runnrgrl!

  12. feynman...i must look him up...we have a centre for cutting edge foundational physics in waterloo ... it is awe-inspiring. :)