Monday, November 18, 2013

how i hit the wall - backstory

there's always a backstory. mine is pretty simple. i hit the wall a few weeks ago- right before i went to nyc marathon. it was because of work. you have to know how much i love my work - the big picture, the creativity, and the joy of seeing ideas come to fruition and hitting bigass targets. i can only do the work of so many people on a short-staffed team for so long. we all have our limits.

i hit my limit when i realized what i'd been doing wasn't enough, wasn't good enough and was absolutely thankless. many days over the past four years, it hasn't been easy to even get out of bed, go to work, not let anything slide, deal with and solve problems all day long and make us look good with a big ole smile slapped on my face. but i did...until i didn't.

being told that all that i had done wasn't enough, not being offered any support or empathy - that crushed what i had left. i used to love my work. even if i didn't have depression, i'm not sure if i could have kept going. as it is, there are no more pills i can take, no more work i can do. i haven't taken any long wknds off this whole year and every day of my 'vacation' was spent doing performance management for someone who wasn't delivering. and i didn't complain. i didn't let anything fuck up. i just needed some compassion.it wasn't there.

i've been told by my doctor that i need to step away from work for at least the next four weeks and focus on taking care of myself. i'd planned on weight training anyway but it comes at the best time for me. i need to bring back energy and enthusiasm into my days. it's not a charade or some silly farce i'm putting on for attention. people have to get that there is no glory, glamour or pride in saying out loud what i'm going through...but it is what it is.

i've always used my writing to get the thoughts out. i don't talk to anyone about this. i've cut myself off from anyone who could drag me down. my poor friends that came for brunch yesterday. i hadn't seen them in so long. when they saw what i'm like now, my one friend cried, she felt so bad. i'll be fine i told her. i am resilient and i don't give up (does any runner?) i promise you i will.i have so much going for me and so much that i'm thankful for. i'm doing everything i need that makes me feel good and puts the attention back on my being healthy in mind and body.

my next blog entry begins a new chapter in my fitness and wellness...keep reading...

2 comments:

  1. Eliminating things from your life that 1. bring you down 2. don't make you stronger and 3. aren't worth it....is so important and we need to be able to recognize this. Good for you for seeing that changes needed to be made. That can make a world of a difference and I hope your friends and family help you along the way :) You deserve compassion and happiness!

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  2. thank you Laura for your ongoing support and kindness. well you'd think eliminating all those things would be obvious and simple. it hasn't worked out like that so i'll be more intentional. breaking habits is tough but worth it.

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