i’ve been running away from reality and it’s time to face up to it. i wish I was who you think i am. i wish i deserved your praise when you say i inspire you. the truth is that i’m not right. so the only thing i can be is wrong.
fix me
i’m not being dramatic.i’m messed up. not totally FUBAR but close at times. it’s the way i am. over a year ago, i was diagnosed with major depressive disorder…in other words, big ass depression. it’s been a bitch to live with -- for me and for my family (and while i’m on the topic, my husband is my harbor, and my anchor but he can’t fix me either.) these 18 mths i’ve had crying spells without reason (yep try explaining crying during a management meeting – i blamed seasonal allergies), the moodiness, the withdrawal from anyone close to me. finally, i felt so worthless, i thought i should check out. yeah, that’s a euphemism.
talk to me
but i didn’t. it is humiliating for me to admit that i’ve been seeing a shrink for over a year. it’s obvious that for years, as long as i can remember, i’ve built up barriers around myself. now i find myself deeply lonely, but not sure of how to come out and survive. i grew up having to protect myself and those defenses are hard-wired into me and unless i unwire them and let people in and myself out, they will strangle me. so i’ve been working on understanding myself, breaking down the emotions and looking for alternative positive ways to look at things. apparently, it’s not just me but depressed people (god I hate hate hate that label) tend to always see the worst in every situation.
forgive me
i don’t ever know what anyone sees in me that is worth sticking around for, but some do anyways (thank you). i go out of my way to push anyone close away - i hammer it home to them - i am not worth your friendship....how can i say "this is what a depressed person says bc they can't even love themselves so it's what they think"...few of my friends have stuck around for long.i’m not an easy person to know.it's even worse if you care about me. i'm sorry.
run with me
i always thought that running could help me. i could medicate with a nice long soul-searching run or a hard, quick set of sprints. occasionally that will still do the trick. overall, running stopped working for me as my energy and vitality were drained by my darkness and all I wanted to do was sleep and avoid life. i had b12 issues, i had hormonal surges and those contributed but in the end, they were just aggravating my sense of hopelessness.
don't judge me
i finally gave into drugs. again, i’m humiliated by this admission. my shrink persuaded me that taking an antidepressant wasn’t any different from diabetics who take insulin to provide what their body does not…sure. i understand but no one can see my distress. i will not talk about it. i get the ‘cheer up and think positive thoughts’ talk…if only i could. I pushed myself to my limits trying everything before breaking down and taking meds. that was in september.
i was told it wouldn’t be forever, just until i had a better handle on how to systematically make myself see the world in a better light. i was trying so hard every week with my cognitive homework. The day after the shrink, i always have a post-shrink hangover. i unpack my guts it seems and then it takes me a few days to put them away again and regain my composure.
sing with me
at the beginning of november, my shrink could see that i was making significant progress in reversing my old ways of thinking. she and my physician thought i could begin the weaning off the drugs in the next four weeks. the side effects had become a little worrisome – i had a lot of pressure behind my eyes, no longer felt the need to eat (and so didn’t) and only needed 3 hours of sleep a night. when I dropped the dosage to half for a while, it seemed ok. i felt more like myself than i had in so long. that’s when I wanted to write. to sing. to let you know that i’ve come back and i feel fantastically alive.
stick with me
it must’ve been the drugs talking…this week as i went to a half dose every other day, the crying spells returned, my thoughts went bleak, and i’m lost. i’ll see my doctor and my shrink tomorrow. Since the weekend, I've been taking the half dose every day again. i need to sort this out, but I can’t keep it in anymore. It’s time to come out of the closet and face it. so, pls don't judge me for being ashamed to admit that i feel like a failure in life to need the propping up by drugs or doctors...i grew up being told almost everyday, by words or slaps, that i wasn't worth much...and so...feeling like "this" is yet another something wrong with me, is kinda like second nature for me...or was...i'm working on fixing that.
don't give up on me
so here I am. with running, my focus is on building a good base and strength before I begin training for boston in the winter. With me, as always, the biggest challenge will be mental. So, let’s see how it goes. At least now you know whom you’re dealing with and I don’t feel like some polyanna fraud. sometimes, to myself, i list all the things in my life that i'm thankful for. there isn't a single thing i'd change...except the chemicals in my head (and ok,i'd go for a tummy tuck, if you were offering- jk jk (kinda))...seriously, please don’t tell me to count my blessings. i fucking know.
i’ll be 43 this week, and i damn well plan on being around to turn 93. as i said to my boss, don’t count me out just because i’m on the fucking shortbus for now. (and yeah, i'm fucking crying again now. this is NOT who i am. it isn't.
You are beautiful and wonderful and inspiring and strong for each and every one of the reasons you've listed here. Needing meds for depression does not make you weak. It's exactly like a diabetic needing insulin: your brain isn't getting the right chemicals at the right times. Meds just help that out. Also remember that there is a huge variety of antidepressants available. If what you're on right now isn't helping without distressing side effects, maybe there's another that's better suited to your personal brain chemistry.
ReplyDeleteYou are so awesome. You really are.
Ok dry those eyes and move to a warm sunny place. That cold dark country has taken it's toll on you. That's my diagnosis :)))
ReplyDeleteI don't think there's anything you can say that will change how I feel about the wonderful person that is YOU.
ReplyDeleteHang in there.
You are something special, girl. Really.
Hi S:
ReplyDeleteIt's a dark shitty place, and I've inhabited myself. Words of encouragement from others can seem empty at times no matter how well intended. Do the "do" things and just concentrate on making the "next" right decision…. It can be as simple as treating yourself to a latte, taking a nap, asking for a hug, going for a run…..
I was once on more antidepressants than I thought was humanly possible…. Times do change, things do get better….. The one "love"…..
You have that from your family and friends…. count me in your support group….
your friend in deed….
jp
Love ya girl. Nuff said. We all have issues and you're so brave sharing them
ReplyDeleteI am a new follower (number 400 to be exact) - I can relate to much of what you've written and struggle with many of the same feelings.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry you're going thru this time you are amazingly brave and stronger than you think to share your story.
The fact that you posted this shows how strong you are. And you might never know, but perhaps this post will save someone else from themselves. You have so many friends and supporters who KNOW you are strong and who KNOW you will get through this battle. No matter what you say or think, we are on your side.
ReplyDeleteHang in there man. Depression is no fun, an virtually every intelligent, thinking and feeling person has been there (to a greater or lesser degree). I'm glad you're seeing someone, and there's no stigma with taking meds. If you're gonna take issue with those, may as well take a stand against penicillin or, as you said, insulin. It's just helpful science, not a judgemental marker of a "flaw".
ReplyDeleteIt's not humiliating to admit you've been seeing a shrink. It's no more humiliating that would be for me to admit I see someone about my Diabetes - it's all just treatments to sort imbalances out. I need a bit of a top up of insulin and you need a top up of your drugs. It's a simple as that..there's no shame.
ReplyDeleteI've seen a councillor in the past and found it really helpful to talk through things. At the time I was a bit embarrassed to admit to it but everything at work, at home and socially was getting a little too much for me and I didn't know which way to turn. I suppose a large part of me turned to drinking (and socialising) but all that was doing was, effectively, masking the problem. I've certainly avoided issues in my past and look where that got me - very nearly checking out on a premature and permanent basis - and I am sure there will be times in the future when I try and avoid them too. In fact, you can bet your arse there will be as it's human nature! But, the past is land best left untravelled again; we can't do anything about it and all is can do is shadow our present and cloud our future.
I'm no expert and I'm regularly guilty of wittering on but we can't expect things to go in a nice straight line…there are bound to be ups and downs but it's where we get to in the end that counts. My course, for example, I had and exam today and - whilst it it would lovely to get 90% - it only counts 10% overall. The important exam comes in May, so that's what I am focussing on.
Talking of insulin…I need to go top up……
I feel your pain. My mom dealt with depression her whole life and I've got my own issues with it. I definitely think there's a biological/genetic factor involved. And I'll admit I self-medicate. Probably to my own detriment. But taking up running has been a positive turn in self-medication for me. Keep your chin up. You're still an inspiration. Maybe even more so now! Shows your just like any of us and have to fight for everything you accomplish.
ReplyDeleteYou are a brave brave soul for posting this! The hardest part is pouring it all out there. Thank you for sharing :)
ReplyDeleteLady, you are dealing with something very difficult. And it does not surprise me to read this although I am very sure it was hard for you to come out and say it so clearly. Reading between the lines of much of what you've written over the past couple of years, I have long suspected you were dealing with something like this.
ReplyDeleteThere is no shame in it. Please do not feel ashamed. If anything, this makes it even more impressive that you manage to do what you do. Your life is much more difficult and challenging because of it. Please do not be humiliated to admit you are seeing a shrink. Would someone who has cancer be humiliated to admit they were seeing an oncologist? There is some stigma here, and I am so sorry that you are being affected by it. Please believe me when I say there is no shame in it. Please get the help that you need.
You are an awesome person. You have insight, tenderness, compassion. You have courage, determination, dedication. Yes, we cannot have these things all the time. But you have them and you are a valuable person. You are someone I enjoy knowing and talking to and hope to meet and have some fun times with some day. You are an awesome mom and wife. I can see this from the things you post and the glimpses that you share with us when you let us see little parts of your life.
Please take the necessary medications. These are not "drugs". They are medicine. Something is not right that causes you to feel this way. I wish my aunt had taken her medicine and was still around to see my grown children today and to celebrate holidays with us. I'm sorry to hear that the doctors are having so much trouble finding the right dosage or medication to alleviate your symptoms and not cause such terrible side effects.
Oh, honey, it makes me so sad to read this. Because I am hurting for you. Never would I judge you. I am glad you wrote this. I know it was terribly hard. I guess I don't have anything else to add...except that if I were there I would give you a big hug and we would go out and have that glass of wine...
I sat here staring at a blank "post a comment" box for the longest time because this just struck me so hard and it seems that no matter what i try to write it just doesn't seem adequate. So, I'm just gonna say what the person closest to me always tells me, "you fucking rock."
ReplyDeleteGabby
i don't have to count my blessings, when i see your tweets, DMs, emails, chats, texts and phone calls. each and every person that knows me even a little is a blessing to me. i am so grateful for your words. no, it's that i have a 'thing' against shrinks or meds...it's just that i've been conditioned to believe that i should be ashamed to be 'crazy'. it's a myth and its destructive, but although we've come a long way in our understanding of mental illness, i despise what happens once you have a 'diagnosis', a 'label', a "pigeonhole". i don't want ppl to treat me differently. i dont use this as an excuse. and i always thought meds and shrinks were for real messed up people...so the humility that comes with realizing how much i need such help, how essential it is, and how i need to deal with it as i would with any illness, has been a hard learning for me. thank you for not condemning me for my naivete and my bigotry against shrinks, meds and anyone who need them as surely as they need any essential medicine. consider me 'chagrined', humbled, and entirely respectful of those who have the courage to face their very real needs.
ReplyDeleteI have always had such admiration for you and it has grown even more.... I have people in my life who have struggled with depression and just talking/writing about it is a HUGE deal.
ReplyDeleteBe proud, strong and you...
I appreciate your honesty and also the guts it must take to expose yourself to the world like this. I wish you the best, get well soon my friend.
ReplyDeleteYour a beauty. Your dealing with something that is not easy BUT your dealing with it. We are all here for you. Reach out if you have to. I'm here for you. I feel sad a lot ~ time heals.
ReplyDeleteCome visit me in NYC. We will laugh and cry and bond. I love you girlie. Stay strong, OK?
grrl, I always thought there was something 'not right' about you. But that doesn't make you 'wrong'. We're all broken in some ways. Sometimes more visible than others. I admire your courage and your wit in the midst of what has sounded like a steep challenge. You've been writing around this topic for a bit now. Hanging a label on it doesn't make it anything different. A horse is a horse regardless of what we call it. Be strong, keep running.
ReplyDeleteSociety is a mirror. It reflects both the best and worst in humanity. By choosing to expose what you think is the worst in you, your "followers" are reflecting the goodness in you.
ReplyDeleteIt may not feel great. In fact I know it can feel pretty fucking horrible. I deal with depression and my mother has dealt with it forever. I even had an aunt locked up in the Georgia state mental hospital for years.
The fact is that in spite of your attempts to isolate yourself and dwell on the negatives you see, these people, that may know only a sliver of who/what you are, choose to see the awesome in you.
Not counting your blessing? Then don't discount them either.
I can't say I know what you're going through, b/c I don't. I won't say, "cheer up" because I know that's not what you need (or want) to hear. I don't want to shower you with words of affirmation in fear that they might come across as annoying or useless. I WILL say that I'm not going anywhere. I WILL tell you that there's no way in hell that I'd give up on you. Take care.
ReplyDeleteThank you for your courage and honesty. Always. All I have is alot of love for you. You are human.
ReplyDeleteWow. That is one serious pile of rough stuff. And very close to home for me.
ReplyDeleteMy own personal experience has been that all the compliments and reasons to feel better never actually helped me feel better. Can't change feelings using logic: a square peg in a round hole. And that downward spiral of thinking made the bad feelings comfortable and the good feelings feel uneasy.
The thing that did help me was that some people (not all) stayed with me, no matter how hard I pushed them away. Maybe just out of arm's reach, but they stayed.
It seems like you have people holding steady with you: your fella at home, and virtual folks here. And my deepest hope is that it will enough to help you through this.
Thinking of you.
You are a rockstar. That is all.
ReplyDeleteWe're all here for you, no matter what is going on. Just keep moving forward and you'll get there. Hugs.
ReplyDeleteagain, and again, i'm overwhelmed by your support.many of you have never met me, never heard my voice, or even had a conversation with me. and yet, your care has transcended all of that. it's pretty hard to feel intensely alone when there is a preponderous of evidence to the contrary. believe it or not, it helps to read your comments. the light of your words brightens the darkness, you know. thank you.a lot. a lot.
ReplyDeleteYour honesty, self- awareness and openness is amazing.
ReplyDeleteInspiring.
Courageous.
*deep bow*
Paolo
Heres another little beam of light for you!! <))))) Rememmber nothing is ever as bad (or often as good) as it seems in the dark!! (this i remember from fumbling school days!!)..you have everything going for you .. so .. welcome back!
ReplyDeleteI really don't know you but I have been following your blog for quite some time.
ReplyDeleteI just want to encourage you to hang on in there. I have struggled with mild depression and I view it as riding the waves. Sometimes it's harder than others to hold on - and you have to do what you need to (whether through medication, support from friends, exercise, rest, prayer, etc.) - to keep holding on until life spits you back onto the shore.
You may consider yourself hard to know and hard to love, but I, for one, wish I knew you better !
I am not as a consistent reader as I'd like to be. But I'm glad I caught this post.
ReplyDeleteRather than using the diabetic metaphor, I prefer the simplicity of what a doctor once said to me. The brain is just another organ. And organs can be sick.
I've been down that dark path. I have walked alongside my wife as she navigated even darker waters. I won't pretend and say "I know how you feel" because your experience is unique. But I understand your words. It is not a matter of counting blessings. It is a real illness and I affirm your bravery in putting it out there for us.
We are strong. You are strong.
There will be many who don't understand what hell you are living through and make patronizing comments thinking it's just a matter of willpower or thinking positive thoughts.
But I believe that there are even more that do understand. Either they have been through that hell or have walked along the side of a loved one.
You are not alone. Not by a long shot.
HI, I don't know you well, but I am sending an enormous hug. I know that precipice, I've fallen over the edge in my time. I don't know how or why I got back, but I'm still here almost 20 years on and calmer and happier than I've ever been (despite the hot flushes!).
ReplyDeleteI hope you find your way through. You are clearly much loved and I hope that comforts you. Take care, we're here, whatever.
:-)x
I would like to slap the shit out of the individual that was slapping you and telling you those extremely incorrect things. But, you know how I feel since you haven't scared me off in how long now? Keep working it, you will get healthy.
ReplyDeletethank you thank you so much for sharing!! it takes a LOT to put it all out there... the truth, hard core, uncensored. i have been seeing a therapist for a few months now and it has helped tremendously! and it's definitely nothing to be ashamed of, although we tend to think it is for whatever reason. but thanks again, and keep on running!!!!
ReplyDeleteI started running marathons in 2009 and looked online for help to continue what I thought then was pure madness. Not sure how I found your twitter and blog but I am glad I did. You have inspired me with your wit and determination. You are doing more good than you realize. Thank you and Merry Christmas. See you in Boston.
ReplyDeleteNothing more I could add here that has not already been said to you.
ReplyDeleteAnd Clydesdale Jogger put it very eloquently.
I know many days have passed since you posted this and I do not mean to bring up an unfavorable time but hope instead to reinforce the message that you are worth it just by being yourself. From someone who has been there and occasionally has to navigate the swell but is much better equipped to do so now than I was two years ago. Seeking a professional is adding a tool to your success toolbox.
Judging from your twitter feed, Boston training is coming along and I will gladly follow your progress and journey.
It's nice to know I am not alone with this. Ok I don't dry as much as you. But certainly go to dark areas of my brain and the thoughts are not very good. That is what I love about long runs and more so my bike rides for Triathlon. I go to the back part of my head and put my brain on a couch and it finally checks out for a while and stops thinking about stupid things just for a little while.
ReplyDeleteI think that is why I struggle with winter so much. Similar Although I weigh 205-210 lbs now instead of 275-279 I still see myself as very fat no matter what I try to do about it...
I don't think we are abnormal.. I think that is just everybody else.. :)