fuck by numbers

heavenly sunrise

1. numbers are a trap

i’m working my way of out it. when i started running 5 yrs ago, i ran to a time. getting to 60 minutes was a victory. then i ran to distance. 5k was a big deal. 10k was a milestone…i ran my first races and placed in the top 3.i ran my first marathon and qualified for boston.my second marathon was boston. my third marathon was chicago where i ran a PR and BQ’d again…i started to define myself as a runner by those achievements…i built myself a box.

2. zero

when my health went awry over the year, and my spirits sank as i lost the speed, i was disappointed with every run. i saw each one as a failure. i pushed myself to the puke threshold from exertion with almost every run.i wasn’t listening to my body. instead, i berated and disparaged myself so badly that if any person said the same things to me, i’d never speak to them again. i had to stop.

3. restart

About 6 wks ago, i put aside my watch and my garmin. i ran routes i knew the distance for or with others who would tell me when to take a gel on a long run. i just ran because i could and i started to see the things around my runs that had always meant so much to me – the company of others and the shared stories, the peacefulness of solo runs, the beauty of the sunrise, the crispness of the air, the sunshine breaking through clouds. It’s not that I didn’t notice those things when I wore a watch, but I had become desensitized by my number obsession.

4. let go

my expectations had put running into obligatory check boxes that i had to complete.i forgot the joy of following a path to its end, of letting my body lead the way.running, like sex, or conversation or anything else that brings me joy has its own progression with variety, spontaneity and freedom to pursue whatever way feels good at the time.

5. follow the feel

i can’t fuck by numbers – script it in advance, check off the foreplay boxes-hit all the bases in a systematic, pre-arranged template, then move onto the next level. i can’t run like that either. runs can be short, long, quick, slow, and I just need to follow where my desire leads me… and respond and react to my body as a lover would with no set goal time or objective…just to enjoy the moments and let the pace set itself with my body’s rhythms…

6. make the leap

can I redefine success for me? will you still love me if I don’t PR or BQ or break 4 – does anyone give a fuck about that but me? my body deserves my respect and my kindness and patience.

even as i write this, knowing how much i’ve recaptured the allure of running and the satisfaction it brings me without boxing myself in, i wonder if i can run a marathon in 5 days in the spirit of enjoying the moments, the crowds and the simple astonishing act of running all that way.

if i can, that may be my most enduring and fulfilling achievement ever. let’s see.