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| yesterday, about 8 hours before hell broke loose |
the plan
run. just shut up and run. i ran a little everyday. sometimes 8 miles and sometimes 3. my long run was 15 miles which i did at sunset on sunday night. beautiful run. too bad i fucked it up by crying over my average pace. i'll get to that in a moment (don't worry you "don't beat yourself up" commentators, i have a special section in this blog just for you). i ended the week with 37 miles.
the appointments
this week was busy with appointments, i had to have my b12 shot and then also meet with my surgeon. how special. we should all have personal surgeons.lucky me though. really. that waiting room was rrrrough. i don't want to know what those people were there for. i don't want what they have. i have a benign cyst apparently with some endometrial tissue in it that gets all swollen and aggravated when i do speed work or run alot. i've dealt w the pain since last december. it's coming out november 18. as for recovery>who knows? depends on how deep they have to dig.
the headspace
the week started kinda rough. then i had a straight talk w a pal who knows me fairly well. he put it simply:
Here's the thing. You're fragile right now. You're also stubborn as fuck. And proud. You're gonna have a hard time dealing with the fact you're aren't where you want/expect you should be..
yeah. ok. point taken. so...with that, my head shifted. the goal for chicago is no longer to run it competitively. i have to put that away and focus on my strength.lack of b12 has left my legs so weak (in relative terms). the only thing that matters now are the miles. not the pace. when i told another friend my average pace sucked. she replied: miles.
panic (this is graphic so if you're squeamish, don't read this)
so just in case i needed a reminder of how far from my normal i am right now and also how lucky i am...i had a freakish thing happen last night.
so...i'm on the pill to even out my surging moods brought on by my period. a side effect is spotting. i've been lightly spotting now for a few weeks.
for the last wk, its been getting heavier. and then...
bloody hell
for 4 hours yesterday, it was like the dam burst. i was losing blood at a disgusting rate. when you bleed so quickly, it clots.alot. i had such severe cramping i was doubled-over. not a good feeling.sorta like labour...sorta not.
what's worse is that i was alone. what made me panic is that something like this happened once before and i was alone...i passed out and had to have emergency surgery. [ it all ended well as this does :) ]
twilight zone
so...well, it all culminated when a massive hunk of my endometrial lining came out. i didn't know that's what it was. but let me tell you, i'm not squeamish so i took a good look at it, put it on tissue and poked it. it wasn't just blood. it was a bloody mass on one side but on the entire other side, it was whitish and fatty and firm...so bizarre. what the hell....
thank gawd for the interweb & cyber pals
it took a lot of internet searching to find images and descriptions that matched this thing. i was lucky to have friend who is a nurse and she told me that shedding the lining (even that fatty white hunk) is normal when beginning the kind of continuous pill i'm on. she told me what to watch for and i just hung on. (see? being stubborn isn't always a bad thing.)
after a couple of hours (can i tell you i was afraid to move, never mind standing up), the bleeding came to a virtual standstill. i passed the time w friends on twitter making ridiculous jokes about sacramento sweaters and merkins while i waited to see what was going to happen. when i was so tired i couldn't stand it, i went to sleep. i woke up this am and there wasn't any blood.
hasn't been hardly anything all day...did i dream it?
moving on...
so yeah, i'll let you know what week 2 brings in running. all i want are miles. i'll be thankful for miles. thankful with an underscore. ok. so pls, don't tell me i'm not thankful...
want to help me, please?
on the sidebar up there is a donation area. womens' health research matters to me - i'm kinda selfish like that. please help me. donate. even just a little. i'm not just running for myself here. i swear.
Wow, I just don't know how I would deal with something like that. 37 miles for the week is pretty darn good, especially under the circumstances. I didn't know you've been dealing with pain for so long recently. You sure are gutsy. I know it's going to be hard to just do the miles and not think about the pace. Hang in there. You've got this.
ReplyDeleteWell, you weren't kidding on the graphic part. :p Glad to know you're OK, and looks like you'll have to dial down the running for a few months. Hey, you're still in far better shape than most people out there, so don't fret about it. :)
ReplyDeleteI cannot begin to tell you how much this post meant to me. I have been dealing with something similar for months now and finally have a doctor who is listening and trying to figure out why I am in this much pain and this sick all the freaking time. Anyway, knowing I am not alone makes a world of difference. Thank you for sharing. I hope that the surgery makes everything better.
ReplyDeleteI can relate to your issues, far too much. ouch. Glad it's getting taken care of. No matter what your pace or number of miles I admire you always.
ReplyDeleteHoly shit you are a mess!!!!! Damn!
ReplyDeleteSending as many positive vibes your way as I can, I would have thrown my arms up and said F ALL THIS!
Glad that everything appears to be "ok" in the end right now. I can understand the "mood changes" you mention... ahem. Married, "happily" about 12 days a month LOL. Does the pill help even out your moods? My wife had some issues with taking the pill in the past which is why I now "deal" with over half the month haha.
Hang in there, be strong. I think dropping the competitive edge for Chicago is a good move. Enjoy the race, enjoy the city. I dropped my competitive edge this year when I f-ed up my achilles. It has actually been fun this year (minus no age group podium spots).
hey there! thank you all for your comments - means alot alot. yeah. i mean it. its a wierd time. so i'm just dealing with it.
ReplyDeletei'm glad i could share some of the same shit some of you are dealing with either directly or by being there to support. Ann- the surgery will only get rid of my lump. by far the bigger issues are the chemical imbalances i'm dealing with.
matty- yeah- you're a king, dude. for me the pill has already made a huge difference to my sinking into depression. i'm very susceptible to depression and when my hormones drop, i slide into the darkness...when i'm weak from b12 which also can cause depression and anxiety, its an ugly spiral down. but...now i'm reversing out of it. it's made a difference in 5 wks and so i'm hopeful. it's all i can do bc i am really resisting going on anti-depressants. aside from this breakthrough bleeding, and slightly larger breasts, i'm doing alot better.
and...in the end, its kinda better than a fast race time.... (for now) :) xo
Oh. My. Hell.
ReplyDeleteOK so that makes sense. The uterus always wants to expel foreign material, so that was bound to happen really. Sorry you were on your own when it did. Look after yourself. I'm always here :-)
I got an image of your with a bloody mass on a tissue poking and it sorry, I began to chuckle. I've been there. My uterus and I don't get along...at all. I've had painful fibroids, cysts that rupture, and even a bout with ovarian cancer when I was just 23. Being a woman isn't easy - sometimes its downright painful.
ReplyDeleteI hope you are able to overcome all the issues that plague you right now.
Woman, you are one tough cookie. I love your whole persona - you are an amazing person! I'm glad you share your life with us, the good and the bad and the ugly.
ReplyDeleteHope things get back to a more even keel for you soon.
I'd punch in the face whatever doctor neglected to mention that particular side effect of the medication. Seems kind of important in retrospect.
ReplyDelete