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| maybe i should just take the bus and give up running...it's easier |
sounds good to anyone but me. i've never run this distance so slowly before-as a training run or otherwise. i'm 11 weeks out from my marathon and i don't know how i'm going to run my best there. In my training so far, 14 miles has been the longest i've run. i need to turn things around and i'm floundering.
excuses...
my legs hurt
B12 is what your red blood cells need to transport oxygen efficiently to your muscles. i have a severe deficiency and have had one injection. i was told it takes a couple of months for it to kick in. well i guess so. the symptoms are depression, fatigue, nausea, anxiety and muscle weakness to name a few. my legs aren't there for me. i am used to an 8:45 pace being my run forever pace. i used to be able to bring that down to an 8:30 and hold it.
this morning, i couldn't believe my garmin, for the first mile, i couldn't get past a 10 min pace. i brought it into the 9's...my 5k time was 28 minutes...my 5k PR was 22:11 this winter. 26 minutes was comfortable for me...
i have boobies...for reals
my hormones have been all over the place. so now i'm on the pill that only gives me my period 4x a year. so it's been great not to be a crying mess all the time. the cranky pants days have diminished alot. it's been a month now. yet, something else happened. i've put on weight. i have plumped up breasts.
i'm 5'2 and 105 lbs usually. i went up to 110 lbs...today i'm at 107.5 so maybe i'll get back to normal soon...too bad about the boobies though - they went down :) i'm not used to carrying extra weight. it doesn't seem a lot to most people but on my frame, i notice it. i feel heavy. soft. awkward.
flaccid
my expectations of myself are high. they always have been and nothing will change that. i now have to take a cold, hard look at myself as i am today and seriously assess what i can accomplish in 11 weeks.
everything seems like a battle. getting out of bed. the number of miles i have to run. the pace i have to hit. it stresses me out and i worry about my run all day. so i don't go. i don't run. i was supposed to be all fired up by now and raring to go...but it hasn't turned out that way.
the backstory
5 years ago exactly i started running on the treadmill because back-to-back spin classes weren't enough to expend my energy. so i turned to running because its endlessly challenging. i began with 13 minutes on the treadmill. it's all i could do. i added a minute every day until i hit 60 minutes and then i tried to get faster.
as far as running goes, i've barely begun. i've only run 5 5ks, 4 8ks, 1 10k, 4 half marathons and 3 marathons. that's it. people say my legs will come back. i have muscle memory. i'm not so sure i do. at this point, it feels like i'm starting at the beginning again.
restart
i'm holding back the tears right now. i need to create a plan for myself to get to the marathon. i'm reassessing everything and more than anything i need to stay consistent. i don't want to answer to anyone and i want to retreat and privately work on rebuilding so i only have myself to answer to- no coach whose plan i can't meet and feel like i've also let down.
reversal
i'm on my knees now hoping i can turn this regression around. all bets are off for anything close to a PR for Chicago. If it wasn't for my charity commitment, I'd likely drop out. but then, i don't give up. i never have. i'll gut it through.
one step at a time
i'll report back here week by week because i need a place to be myself and whine if i need to. i'm hoping for small victories. this week's challenge -just simply to run.
ps....
since legs are on my mind, and performance...here are some pics i took when at the tour de france on alpes d'huez on friday, july 22.
Since u r so intimately aware of yourself, I'll try to encourage support,and empathize, but will do so with caution as I don't want to upset u more:
ReplyDelete1) Every run CANNOT be a good run, that' why we rejoice in the good ones w/improvement, makes us look forward to the next opportunity.
2) The more rest you need, and GET, will help your runs, whether it's from B12, and or depression/etc. Rest, or you will face a vicious cycle of chronic fatigue.
3. Your feelings of stress guilt, letting others down are what;s call FALSE GUILT. This provide no useful benefits, I know that by being kind and forgiving of yourself, doesnt fit in with the competitive toughness persona you have crafted, but there is a balance, I think u can find it.
4) Perhaps u are folate and iron deficient as well, have u been assessed for this, andthe 4x a year medicine(I presume its Depo) can most certainly cause a myriad of symptoms.
Enjoy the release you get from your blog, but realize that u may be fighting a whole host of demons more than "I just can't seem to get myself together" type assessment...
I think highly of you, your honesty, struggles, your realizations of them, but work with them not against them, you have the intelligence and capacity to do so...
Hope Ive helped and not bothered you....
I'm "Just" Norm...
Remember when you ran for you instead of PR's and constant improvement? I hope you can spark that love of "just running" again soon. Maybe it's time to mix up the routine a little. Try to have fun with it. Best of luck to you!
ReplyDeleteI have nothing to add except what people who love me and care about me, like I love you and care about you, told me when I was feeling the same way not too long ago: you are a wonderful person and a gift to know, no matter how many miles you run and how fast you run them. Hugs.
ReplyDeleteI'm thinking you need a gratitude list.....for reals.....not to be high and mighty, but look around...youre strong, healthy...110 pounds??? Really???? Can you run? Do you have two legs that work? A roof? Food? Plz...be a little kinder to yourself....you are doing exactly what you are supposed to be doing at the exact right time, the exact right way....good job...or GREAT job on your run!
ReplyDeleteevery time i read one of your blog entries i find myself in awe and appreciation of the way you organize your thoughts, feelings and emotions and write them in such a way that truly expresses what you are going through. i have many struggles - running, life, self-esteem - but i have no clue where to start sorting through them.
ReplyDeletei'm not going to sit here and pretend i know how you are feeling. and i'm not going to tell you to stop being so hard on yourself. venting and expressing your anger, fears and frustrations is only part of your story and while it may not eradicate all your problems, it's a release and it's important to have that.
best wishes to you and the rest of your journey to chicago.
I've been there, more or less... Sounds like you need to take the pressure off yourself of you are going to find any joy in running right now. My suggestion? Leave the watch. You know what your body is doing & feel the difference between a good or bad run. You don't need the numbers. For now. You have plenty of time. Enjoy yourself, push yourself when plausible, & don't worry. If you want to get back to a good spot with this thing, get rid of the pressure, IMO. Now go & be strong, legs!!
ReplyDeleteI used to be in sales, and one valuable thing I learned was, when you are anxious about anything, ask yourself: What is the worst thing that could happen? Even if it is pretty awful, facing it and thinking about what you would do if that came to pass always seems to take some of the dread away.
ReplyDeleteBigger boobies are never bad :) The pill will affect your moods too, maybe keep a written journal of your emotions while on the pill and see if things taper off a bit for you.
ReplyDeleteAs for running plans and self coaching etc, choose a plan. Stick to that plan, don't go changing things daily or coming up with them daily, I think that is too hard to stick to and its too easy to alter the plan. The body goes through cycles. Sometimes you can't even force it to do what you want it to. You will need structured recovery. Train smart.