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| no time to relax - NYCM qualification by 19 seconds. |
shit’s been going on. messing me up. finally figured it out when it became too much to deal with. that’s about my speed though- scream when i’m at the edge otherwise shut the fuck up and deal with it, quietly on my own.
waves
so, ya, my hormones were out of whack – just crazy surges of darkness that was more dense every month for longer and longer. i don’t use that crazy word lightly because there have been times when i feel out of mind. it’s truly scary to cry without a reason – anywhere, anytime. to feel like everything anyone says has teeth, to have all of your nerve endings hang out and rubbed raw. i retreated a lot from many people to try to limit the pain and sadness. it made NO sense. i look at my life and i love all of it-even my zany parts – i don’t want to change them…but this crying crap had to end…i’m minimizing the darkness and the thoughts that came with it but ya, I had to find some way of dealing with it. so, i went to the doctor and i was put on hormones to help smooth out the edges and save money on kleenex & visine...but...
sinking
on top of the bleakness, i couldn’t get enough sleep. i’d sleep 12 hours at night, not be able to get out of bed and then have a four hour nap and still pass out at night. it was an endless cycle of sleep. for someone who is used to 5 hours at the most, i felt like i was out of control entirely – that the sadness was sucking me in and I didn’t care if I slept through my life. the crashing waves of fatigue werelike jetlag from a far overseas flight that just hit with a wallop at any time of day – sucked the life out of me…
rising
well I had some more blood tests done, and look at that! severe B12 deficiency. time for some shots to pump me up again. in about six weeks, i’ll be back up to my normal energy levels. when i told my workmates and boss that, they rolled their eyes… half-speed me is intense enough (for them).
i was reading late the other night (yeah- things are already normalizing) and i realized something & just had the biggest, stupidest grin ever… omg. i was relaxed and super content.smiling was EASY. i was back. me. I love me -when I’m not a sad, sleepy nutbar. i hadn’t been able to stay up late in so long.
feeling the edge
some things are taking a bit of time to come back but I persevere. i noticed today, after my track work (when i’m decidedly high on endorphins), that my coach has a pernicious way of giving me stuff I can just barely handle. the pace he asks me to target is at the absolute edge of my capacity. i stopped ‘knowing’ what was normal for me because I don’t want to settle in.
hanging on
i log paces and workouts on dailymile.com (runnrgrl) and intentionally (so i don’t limit myself) i don’t internalize what i was doing last year at this time. i also don’t set a race time goal until my second or third very long run. so, when my coach throws down some distances and paces, i don’t ever think i can do them. then i do. usually i beat his targets by a few seconds. today I hit them dead on or was a few seconds slower. with all that has gone on, it’s good to know i’m not far from the mark. i’m also glad he hung in there with me as i sorted out my problems. so propped up as i am for the moment with hormones and injections, i worry about running a strong marathon and so I hope I’m on the right path.
PS
help me help others
look - I know times are tough for so many people but if you can, would you please donate a small amount to Northwestern Memorial Hospital. I don’t have much to raise but women’s health research is a big deal to me. Thanks. I'm willing to earn the donation-i'll write a bio, an ad, a website section, guest-blog, or buy you a drink or coffee if i'm in your town - just ask! Here’s the link: http://foundation.nmh.org/goto/sumanrunner
training notes
** if you want to follow my training for Chicago here- you can do so here: http://www.dailymile.com/people/runnrgrl#ref=tophd. i am maxed out for friends there, so please send me a message and i’ll have make some changes to my friend list –lots of ppl on there aren't using DM and i'd rather my supporters can see how i'm doing. just let me know please.
Go to see you are making progress.
ReplyDeleteWow, what a dark time for you. I didn't realize. Glad you sorted it out and found out it's just something as simple as a vitamin deficiency. As for the coach-pace-thing (pushing you to the edge of your paces)...that's what my swim coach does, too. Actually, sometimes he asks me to do things I can't do. That used to bug the crap out of me, but I've gotten over it. I try, now. And sometimes I can and sometimes I can't but I try as hard as I can regardless.
ReplyDeleteBelieve it or not, the dark feelings you have are the very same that come to me from time to time, no, I don't have Vitamin B-12 deficiency. It's just part of the road I've traveled, and ruminating. I'm not like that all the time, but it comes... anyway I wanted to share, and thank you for sharing. Glad you're feeling better :~)))
ReplyDeleteYay! Glad to have you back :-) I'm so glad you went to the Dr. So many people just accept what is happening as something they have to deal with, put up with, work through... Good for you for taking care of yourself. :-)
ReplyDeleteSo happy that you are feeling yourself again. You are a hell of a woman, runner, and human being. Don't ever forget that.
ReplyDeleteYou mean a lot to so many people - even those of us who "only" know you through the Ethernet.
Keep on keeping on, and being YOU.
Your tenacity AND capacity to express it are amazing! It's so very cool that you feel able AND are able to share your experience so vividly.
ReplyDeleteYou remind the rest of us we are not alone in our fears, doubts, joys and triumphs!
Thank You!