not my religion
lots of people race.some people race for fun. great. some people race for the trophy, prestige or acclaim.i love my races as much as anyone else but my medals are jumbled up in a box, i forget to order marathon pictures, i don't have my bibs up on a wall. running isn't my religion, i don't care if it's yours.i will admit though, that i collect and hold onto my race mementos but because of what they mean to me, beyond running. so,i guess they are trophies after all..
just do it already
some people race to compete. i race for myself. i have my goals and targets and i hit them or i don't. i don't share them often with loads of people. i've talked about this before. i don't respect the blabberers. shut up and hit it. tell me after.high five.
shut up
but you know what gets me? it's the bravado.the in-your-face would-be competitors.the silly girl who comes up to me at the gym and says, hey you run. i bet i could beat you. ya? well fuck i hope so...why couldn't she? - she's 14 yrs younger, no kids, no husband and maybe no career. the point here -- aside from my somewhat bitterness in that moment (because usually, i know i'm awesomesauce and don't let the stupid gits get to me) -- is that i simply don't care about competing with anyone but myself. i know my challenges and my effort. a marathon doesn't come close to the toughest thing i've ever done.
there are days, when women like me, who juggle it all and MORE, put their shoes on and run. there are loads of other women who fight all kinds of obstacles and do it anyway. they aren't your superstar elites.they are tremendous in all their endeavours.i hope someone tells them that too, if they don't tell themselves. so...i know all that rationally.
there are days, when women like me, who juggle it all and MORE, put their shoes on and run. there are loads of other women who fight all kinds of obstacles and do it anyway. they aren't your superstar elites.they are tremendous in all their endeavours.i hope someone tells them that too, if they don't tell themselves. so...i know all that rationally.
yeah, i'm an angry bitch
emotionally, however, when someone who doesn't know me, comes and wants to take me on...fuck. ya. bring it. i'll eat them alive. i'm not a hateful person but i have been-mostly hating myself. so, yeah. i have rage. and i like it. i use it. for myself - mostly when i race. it's the only way. and trust me, i have enough for a lifetime.
but rage is my bitch now
for the first time, this winter, i had motivation issues. but i had to suck it up. i've been there before and i've pulled myself up from nothing. walking out of home at 18 with nothing was the best thing i could have done. i don't worry about scraping bottom. i hit bottom full on .i reveled in it, fed off it and then made it my bitch.
fuck the fear
so when i race, i conquer a little bit of the fear inside that girl who grew up cringing every time she spoke, every time she looked up and didn't know the mood around her. running and racing is one small way i free that scared girl, and give her the right to celebrate.
btw - i am running the 2011 Chicago marathon to raise money for women's health research for northwestern memorial hospital. please donate to help us all make a difference in the lives of others. (sidebar)
You put in words feelings I can't express. Conquering the fear inside the little girl who grew up cringing...that hit me in the gut and knocked me over! Exactky what I am feeling but refused to admit. I truly appreciate you're bravery in putting all this in words. I look forward to supporting your marathon goal. Thank you again!
ReplyDeleteMy wife, daughter and female in-laws read a lot about women in patriarchal soceities like the Middle East and western Asia. Three Cups of Tea is a household fav. But when a woman talks about living in fear inside her own home ya lose me. I guess I'm lucky to have lived is an equal opportunity home. And that my wife expects me to do as much around the house as she does. So when you talk about demons of the past I can only imagine.
ReplyDeleteBut I am totally impressed by the courage you exhibit. Maybe you don't have it all figured out. But you certainly know what you do not want in life.
Keep pushing and taking what's yours. Sometimes that is the only way make your path through the world.
Wow,
ReplyDeletean amazing read, that had me almost in tears, I don't cry easy! Loved every word of it. Very inspiring and affirming.
I love this post. You are fiery, passionate and unapologetic and I admire the hell out of you. And running has almost nothing to do with that.
ReplyDeleteI LOVE IT. Albeit I think your a tiny bit more angry then me. I think I suppress mine more. I burried it in food for years and opted to become fat and really I have addiction issues. First Booze, Then drugs, Then food, now triathlons. It has has the best side effect to keep some of that anger at bay and help me to stabalize a bit. Plus I am way less FAT then I used to be.
ReplyDeleteHowever that suppressed Anger its still in there and still has many issues from my past. So I can relate to most of this. Maybe not the being challanged part by anyone, because I am still slow and fat. But I don't care because I am truely only racing myself. When I am in the zone it is ME AGAINST ME with anger leaving my body. And the sense of accomplishment after wipes out everything that makes me angry.. Well at least for a few mins anyways.
Love the Post
Chris_Spanky
It's funny how formerly abused people find each other. I suppose running does give me that confidence that I didn't have as a child. But, even more, it eases the depression and anxiety that inevitably follows as a result of having such an f'ed up childhood. So kudos to you and me, for getting out there to improve our lot rather than always languishing on a couch or bed somewhere, or muffling our thoughts with drugs, which would be an equally reasonable response.
ReplyDeleteCool man!
ReplyDeletewow, I love this. nt because ur a runner...Im a dancer, bt tht doesnt really matter cuz wat u said in this post would b inspirational to anyone. fighting our own problems, fears, accepting challenges without blinking, sucking it up...thts what we all do n somehow feel alone while doin it..bt u said it! thts wat makes u n this blog special. only a few ppl ive known/have met r strong n open minded enough to say it loud..or in your case write it down...ppl should read such posts to realize they arent alone in their fights..in their lives...maybe u ddnt really meant it this way...bt thts hw i got it...uve jst inspired me to fight this fuckin life and live it to the fullest....haha..anywayz, thanks woman!
ReplyDelete