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| this day, a friend just kept me quiet company so i wouldn't be alone with thoughts i couldn't face. see...i hide things well |
for three months, or maybe more, i'm not sure, i've been keeping this to myself. haven't told my husband or my friends. today, i had to give it up to my running friend who knew i was pushing against something more than the wind. so i told her. came home and told my husband. and now i'm saying it out loud. i guess i've made a decision about it.
ya ya whatever
when i first started to run, this pain was there four years ago, somewhere under a barely visible caesarian scar. i'd had an ultrasound back then and it was inconclusive but there was a lump.doctor measured it and said we'd watch it but it was likely scar tissue. every year she's had a look and can't feel it any larger.
who gives a fuck?
now the lump is bigger. i can feel it. it's hurting. i haven't said a word. there's lots of reasons why i've kept my secret. i spent much of winter wanting to simply fade away.
i've always known that running connects me to my will to live, to be alive in the most full, deep, robust and passionate away. i lost my drive to run...not as a cause, but as a symptom.i was supposed to race last night. i couldn't do it.
for a smart girl, i'm very stupid i know, spare me the lecture.
now, its time to step up again. i feel the drive coming back.slowly.these days, i'm counting on a few more people to lean on. to help me find my way back in running, and in wanting to feel alive. thank you for your support, forgiveness & patience.
and ya, i'll see my doc this wk.
secret's out...now we wait
saw my doctor. the lump is larger and definitely tender. we still think it could be scar tissue that has been torn w core work or running. however, she thinks, and i agree, it's time to get rid of this pain in my side...
i'm off to get an ultrasound as soon as i can. that test, along with one from 4 years ago showing the mass at that time, will be sent to a surgeon. likely more tests to clarify exactly what's going on and then surgery.
thank you again. i have received dozens of heart-felt personal messages from people i've never met, who barely know me (well, through this blog- you know me better than most). i am ever ever grateful and appreciative for that support. i'm sure we'll keep in touch as we see what happens.
UDPATE (I said this in the comments but I"ll say it again because, i like the sound of it)
wooohoooo....that's a good news whoop, in case you couldn't tell. test results came in yesterday and things are gonna be alright.the lump is scar tissue and hasn't increased. It is likely a good idea to have it removed so I have a surgical consult coming up but no great urgency. i will run chicago marathon (for my women's health charity!) and then i can have my surgery-during recovery, yo! :) thanks again so much for all the kind words and virtual hugs. i soaked up every single one of them. :)))
We can always do stupid things, that doesn't make us stupid people. You are one of the smartest and strongest women I know. It's easy to ignore symptoms and hope they go away; I do it all the time especially when it comes to my running. I spent quite a few months depressed and not wanting to run, not having any motivation to do so at all. Keep persevering and you will get your mojo back. I'm keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. I'm also glad you're going to the doctor. Now I don't have to tell you do to so. lol I will never judge you, none of us have the right to do that to another. Know that I love you!
ReplyDeleteWe are used to taking care of others, to making sure everything else is lined up and straightened out, and we very often ignore things that aren't lined up & straightened out with us, because we're too busy to deal with it, or it's not a big deal, it only hurts when... You're not stupid at all for willing it to go away, you are typical of a woman who has too much to do to mess with something that is kinda-sorta a known factor. But now, yes, it it is time. And you know that, and you're handling it. And we will all be praying that it is nothing major and all will be fine. And you'll be back to kicking ass like usual. Hugs.
ReplyDeleteI am sending you my most healing thoughts and hope that this pain is something that you can move beyond and recover from. newyorkjogger
ReplyDeleteI no longer pray but you and your family are in my thoughts. Do what can and keep moving forward.
ReplyDeleteI am glad you are going to the doc. I lost my Mojo too early in the year. Is coming back but it's a bitch. You are such a great complex, funny, caring, kick ass person. Glad to know you. Much love and respect.
ReplyDeleteAlly
See the Dr. get the tests, it maybe nothing, but you'll have peace of mind either way.... we dont have any clue what goes on in side us.... I think you are an incredible spirit...check it out.
ReplyDeleteAnother good post by you! I always admire how frank you are in your blogs, no BS, you say it how it is. As I mentioned to you earlier, make that appointment, and I hope you have some good news. Take care of yourself!
ReplyDeleteOff-topic observation, but when I read your blog on my mobile phone, the pink titles above each paragraph appear 3D, without the need of wearing 3D glasses. I found that rather cool. :)
Oh dear. It sucks that you've been dealing with this and all on your own. Get thee to the doctor and see what's going on. Then, get thee better. Then, get thee back kicking ass again. *HUGS* to you my friend! @JenZenator
ReplyDeleteGlad you got this off your chest, even that step has to be a relief from the burden of your secret. Sending good thoughts to you, S.
ReplyDeleteWell, I'm glad you are getting it checked out. Lumps are no joke. And keep running!
ReplyDeleteYou're in my thoughts & I'm hoping for a swift & complete recovery.
ReplyDeleteGet it checked out. Don't be like me and ignore it. I ignored it too long and now I have to pay the piper.
ReplyDeletesee the doc. we're here for you. xo.
ReplyDeleteSending positive thoughts your way.
ReplyDeleteLean away.
my thoughts are with you and i'm hoping for the best. thank you for being so brave and continuing to share your soul with all of us.
ReplyDeleteBeen where you are. No lie, it sucks. I obsessed and analyzed for the longest time w/o doing anything about it. Yeah, it was a fear-based reaction, I get that -- and so do you. Glad you're ready to take care of yourself -- don't minimize that.
ReplyDeleteFrom getting to know you, you're as tough as they get, and you're fierce! That being said, you and your family are in my thoughts! Heal and keep on kicking ass!!!
ReplyDeleteHey, really great blog post… I've enjoyed reading through your blog because of the great style and energy you put into each post. I actually run AceHealth.org, a blog of my personal research and experiences. If you're interested, I would love to have you on as a guest blogger. Please send me an e-mail: bob.mauer65(at)gmail(dot)com, and I can give you more information. Looking forward to hearing from you.
ReplyDeleteSending love and positive thoughts to you.
ReplyDeleteI hope and pray everything turns out okay for you!
ReplyDeleteHope everything turns out to be normal. :)
ReplyDeleteSending good thoughts your way, hoping for a swift and safe resolution
ReplyDeletewooohoooo....that's a good news whoop, in case you couldn't tell. test results came in yesterday and things are gonna be alright.the lump is scar tissue and hasn't increased. It is likely a good idea to have it removed so I have a surgical consult coming up but no great urgency. i will run chicago marathon (for my women's health charity!) and then i can have my surgery-during recovery, yo! :) thanks again so much for all the kind words and virtual hugs. i soaked up every single one of them. :)))
ReplyDelete