screwed

i told a friend that i wear sunglasses to run with because the wind makes my eyes water. truly, it's because lately i've been crying so much as i run that i don't want anyone to know.

at the gym, i put my earbuds in even when my ipod isn't on and i don't look around. i avoid socializing because i don't want to get too close to people. and yet, i crave companionship.

this weekend i was brutally reminded that running is my sole confidant. sometimes it is my sanity as well. i am so reluctant to trust and to share but i wanted to, for once, have a friend to believe in and to believe in me. i thought i'd found a confidant to share with and be there for. in the name of friendship i opened up and i shared so much, so gradually, so carefully. turns out i gave my faith too cheaply.

i let myself be naked and received so little in return. i'd cry to my friend talking about some painful remembrance and get a meagre "I see" in return. i asked so many times, if i was sharing too much, if the time was ok to talk, if i was being a pest, a burden or just plain boring. i was always encouraged to keep sharing...even when i wanted to close down and walk away. i could see this coming i guess and just wanted to save myself...but i have always put up the walls when the sharing gets too much so i thought i'd keep trusting for a bit. it was really nice to have the non-judgemental companionship and perspective (and there were lots of times when that was the case).

however, as things wore on, with diminishing responsiveness from my friend, the pain, frustration and sadness of a lopsided friendship built up in me. i started to pull back and in the end was left hollow.increasingly the responses became more cursory, more distant, and sometimes perfunctory. i waited to see if my trust would be reciprocated and it stopped. i finally woke up chilled to know i'd put my trust with the wrong person.it wouldn't be returned. it would only be taken.

i've kept silent now for days. i wish the way was clear. it isn't. i grew as a person by sharing and so i wouldn't trade that for anything. i had real moments of closeness and happiness and those made me emotionally dependent and i hate that. i think it could be time to walk away as i've so often done. to save myself.i'm not sure so i'm just settling into the in-between to see what's best for me. i'm what counts now. i'm not sharing this now to blame, only to sort it out, air it out to the light of day and help me. this is about me now. only me.

this weekend I took my thoughts with me on my runs. i let myself be carried along by the turmoil of my emotions.at times when i ran, i was overpowered by the strangle hold of the hurt and disappointment. i was mad at myself for having been so easily fooled. my heart raced and I had to stop and slow down to absorb the pain.

i questioned the value of being close to anyone (i'm not talking about my family-so ever thankful that i never question their love). but you know, we all need friendship too. i hadn't realized how much i needed that until this past year when life became too much to bear alone. i decided in the end, i'm worthy of respect.

i need to focus now on those who bring me happiness. i'm blessed because i have so many people who i could turn to, who respect me and can return my care and concern robustly. so, i'm focussing on my renewal. i'm turning to those around me whose friendship to the extent i've allowed it, has always been non-conditional.

so, until i heal, running is my only solace and comfort. it will never exploit my frailty, take my pain for granted or reject me. it is reliable, constant and always embraces me-whether i'm crying or laughing.i need to be held in its arms and propelled forward past pain, cold and darkness back into laughter, warmth and light.

i need this winter to end. thankfully spring is around the corner.