gun shy

i've been slacking for 4 weeks and for the past 2, i've been at odds with myself. i've wondered if my passion for running somehow left me. i've looked for signs of spark. i've tried too hard to force myself to act out something i haven't felt. my training was mechanistic and ultimately, frustrating.

after glow

yesterday i was reminded of the fire i used to have. my friend luke from my gym ran an amazing 18mi (30K) race this past sunday.he was telling how he crossed the finish line with the best time he'd ever had. his face was totally lit up. he had no clue how much he was grinning.

denial
luke's race recap touched a chord in me. i didn't feel envious. i was supposed to have run that race but for the first time ever, i bailed. it wasn't on my race plan but i have rarely turned down a new adventure. and this time, i didn't do it and i was glad.relieved.i was anxious i couldn't perform. i didn't want to face it.

spark?
yet...his excitement kindled a spark. i felt a little uptake in motivation. i thought that maybe i'd get back there to his level of commitment one day...it was still in me. it fluttered. i smiled thinking about it. good to know i can still feel the thrill of a race. 

maybe not
in vivid contrast, last year at this time while training for boston, (my 2nd marathon), i had a 20 miler coming up and it was only going to be the 6th time i'd ever run that far. it's bittersweet to look back when now every run is an effort. every step forward is a challenge. i want to pack it in somedays and walk away. but there's so much to lose, so much that i've gained, so much that i'm deeply passionate that i'd be turning my back to.i've never felt anything like it, felt so alive.

it's simple
i got some really good advice a year ago about how to tackle my 20 miler. it was simple and straightforward as truth usually is. "Just gotta have faith in your training, and remember that you just gotta keep taking steps.  As long as you're taking steps, the miles run themselves. You'll be fine."

i ran 22 miles that day on the strength of those words and the belief that every step was carrying me to my goal. i had so much confidence and faith that i ran an extra 2 miles. remembering my jubilation then only makes me sad now. 

is it impossible?
but things are changing. i feel a little spark, and know i'm not ready to pack it in. i'm going to take that same advice now. i have to get over being ready to race again, i want to be ready. i want to feel that surge, that energy. that high that lifts me up and makes me feel like nothing is insurmountable. 

patience
sometimes i've pushed training too hard in the past 2 wks and tried to make it feel natural again....but my efforts backfire and i end up exhausted. a passion can't be forced, rushed or faked. it's ok to be tentative and gentle. it's ok to go slow for a while. with time, my passion runs deep and motivation will return...who knows maybe the damn snow will be gone by then too?