Tuesday, May 4, 2010

before you bedazzle your vajayjay..


You might want to clean her up....how about a brazilian then? ya, look it up in the urban dictionary if you don't know it. while you're there look up landing strip.... and if you think i'm talking rio, well have a seat.
 
 
Three years ago, i asked a friend for waxing esthetician recommendation. She told me she gets sugared not waxed... simply put, rather than using wax, a honey lemon mixture is applied to rip out the hair from the roots. 
 
then my friend says ya know, you should consider a brazilian...i think you'd love it. well...why not? i called the sugar lady and booked in.

what follows is a chronology of events of my first brazilian as i sent to my friend luby. lubester kept this email for the past 3 yrs because she laughed her pants off. i needed a laugh this wk so i'm sharing it with you... 
 
if you want to share back your own stories, i'd love it.

----

Subject: Yeehaw, Freedom, liberation.....ooooh baby!
hey
the story isn't that bad at all...but, when you're here in June, I should take you to x - body sugar expert extraordinaire. She does this in a room in her home - actually its the laundry room but who cares? its clean, inexpensive and she's very good at putting you at ease. here's the chronology.

4:00 arrive and walk in - follow big lady two times my size or more down to her basement - house smells like stale smoke and her husband is sitting watching telly in shorts with high white socks pulled up. sugar room is her laundry room but has a large massage kinda table with a sheet on it in the middle. this room smells like tide and downy.

4:10 asks me to remove all clothing but bra - she doesn't touch boobies = they freak her out. says that she'll take it as easy on me as she can but the first time is always the worse

4:12: asks me to clean my armpits since I have put on deodorant and i've applied cream. determines my leg hairs dont grow at the same rate as my armpit and her word - not mine - pooner hairs. well, ok then. we're down to pits and pooner.

4:14 she dips her gloved hands into a big jar of honey sugar stuff (apparently the egyptians did this) and puts some powder on my armpit. i'm to keep my breasts away from her and so i have to pull my skin down while she pulls the other way.

4:15 first rip - didn't know what she was doing - expected more pain- it was like those fabric bandaids ripping stuff out...again, again and again...not so bad.

4:18 next pit - moves on and this time it hurts more - i'm thinking maybe i should have had codeine. but it burns for a few seconds and then its completely fine

4:19- super smooth pits - never seen them this clean of hair and i'm not a hairy gal

4:20 - the pooner - well, i had to pull up my less than taut belly skin and again she pulled as she applied the honey and then let her rip. the first rip on my lip just about had me clinging to the ceiling and my eyes might have rolled back into my head for a split second.

4:20:10 - pooner lips - this woman wastes no time - gets right in there and lets it rip over and over...told me the worst was over since she had removed the longest hairs and then shows them to me tangled up in the honey hunk she has in her hand. the worst was having to keep my legs butterflied, knees down and pull up on my flesh so she could get a good clean yank in....yowsers.

4:23: moves to upper thigh, outer lips - hurts but i'm getting the hang of it

4:25: clean up - removes strays and cleans up front - she says i should have a landing strip because otherwise its just too wierd looking...at this point i'm not arguing...sounds great.

4:30: fuzzy butt clean - says everyone has a fuzzy butt so don't worry about it - probably won't hurt at all - she makes me lie on my side and haul up on one leg and spread my butt crack open....holy hannah that was kind of strange, but hey, go with it, eh ...in for a penny.

4:32 3 big yanks and my butt is fuzz free - she was right = didnt hurt as much as the other stuff

4:33: gives me a washcloth and says to scrub myself clean - don't want to have a yeast infection with any sugar leftover on me. i scrub while she watches - she says i'm the best butt scrubber she's seen and i can stop now. how was i to know? nervous...didn't want yeast...

4:35: sprinkles pits and pooner with lotion i'm to rub in - tells me not to use deodorant for at least 8 hrs

4:40 -i hand over my $40 and book two more appts - have to keep it going now! 
 
that's it. still going strong... and my friend was right, i do love it (once its over) and i do take 2 tylenol before i go see her. 
 
oh ya, i don't do the bejewelling...geez, have to draw the line somewhere. hahaha
 
so, what's your story?


33 comments:

  1. If after reading this you're still thinking "I should try that!" you are either sexy, stupid, or a runner/triathlete who enjoys a certain degree of pain.

    As for my story, It's developed in phases.

    Phase #1 a.k.a "Sexy"
    I'm going to do this, I can do this. I think.

    Phase #2 STUPID. so, so very stupid.
    I'm too much of a patsy to bare my sasquatch cooch to another woman so I'll buy one of those home waxing kits. I have no idea WTF this goop is composed, I'm not sure I want to. Or WTH I am doing & I'm not about to google it. New swear words are invented and Fema has declared my bush zone a disaster area.

    Phase #3 Runner/Triathlete Sacrifice for the sake of the sport(s).
    Holy Hell! Who would've guessed tri-suits & running thongs actually fit better without a beard? This is kind of nice! Shit, camel-toe. Oh well gotta pick your battles, right?

    Conclusion: Electric razor works the best for me. If I ever get a referal for a woman worthy to be in the presence of my Patsy Sasquatch Cooch I will be brave, until then... I still have a PSC.

    My only question for the liberated, Do you hide the fact that you have a brazilian or landing strip when you're in the locker room?

    ReplyDelete
  2. Funny...and scary one...I am glad I am a man!!

    Cheers from Hong Kong!

    "XTB" Xavi.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I too am a little shy about exposing the goods to a stranger and also took the bold "I can do this myself" step. Enter the home version of the Brazillian Wax Kit.

    Thankfully, I remembered the story of a friend who had tried a simple home bikini wax but hadn't trimmed the bush before lathering with wax and ended up ripping off half her leg. So I pulled out the scissors and did some hedgetrimming first. S'all good.

    I remembered to apply the oil so the wax wouldn't stick to the skin. Did a couple test sections in the regular bikini zone. So far, so good. I went for it.

    Oh shit.

    Not good.

    Wax globbed and turned into a congealed mass that seemed permanently adhered to a very sensitive part of my body. After applying gallons of oil and about 3 razors, I managed to clean off the nasty mess, leaving behind some bruising and discomfort that lasted a few days ...

    So, for now, wax the front, and shave the rest ... and wait for the day when I have the courage to let the pros do the grooming ...

    ReplyDelete
  4. ah geez. you two home DIY'rs are way braver than i was. i was just too chicken to trust myself to do it... its really easier when you're in good solid fast working hands. but wow- i love your stories... thank you so much for sharing. :)

    ReplyDelete
  5. oh look another reason I am glad I stand up when I pee...but somehow I think you can do that also!

    ReplyDelete
  6. This just confirms you ladies are crazy. Someone tries to do something like that to me I'll be swinging a baseball at them...

    ReplyDelete
  7. I want to go get my bikini zone lasered so I don't have to worry about ongoing maintenance. Have no desire for a "Brazilian". Just something so I can wear a swimsuit in public without people wondering why I don't groom myself. I have NO desire to try waxing or "sugaring". Right now it's home shaving, but I HATE doing it and I have sensitive skin and I'm Germanic (northern European...no shortage of hair...ugg).

    Anyhow...just afraid of the expense and need to get recommendations for someone local who does a good job. Having taken the leap yet. But with this whole triathlon thing and more frequent swimming...sure do want to have permanent hair removal done. I hate shaving.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Sometimes its good to be a guy!

    ReplyDelete
  9. DIY was definitely not for me - who wants to get that stuff stuck! My first experience was before my wedding - unfortunately pretty routine with nothing exciting to report. I am however hooked! They are absolutely and totally worth it - I honestly think I've had runs that hurt worse than a wax!

    Your account was hilarious - thanks for sharing! I agree that the most awkward part is holding your legs in compromising position - all for the price of beauty though!

    ReplyDelete
  10. yup ... i still laugh as hard as i did the first time i read about your "pooner" tale!

    xo luby

    ReplyDelete
  11. awesome stories. i'm laughing my head off. but if dudes want to share manscaping adventures, i'm sure they'd be entertaining.

    and luby- umm. dont you want to share story of big hands? hahahaha.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Manscaping? Only w razor so far. I also like the trimmed look and feel. It's a bit odd to go bare there, and have hair everywhere else tho, hence I think a cropped look is best for me.

    And I have perfored the subject service on a lady a few times. Let me just say it's a challenging procedure, and one tends to get distracted very easily.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Thank you God, that you made me a dude! Oy!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  14. This post (and the comments) have been cracking me up since last night.

    I have been getting Brazillians for years...I think I got one for the first time as a sophomore in college. Now I have a standing appointment every 4 weeks. I don't think I have any super funny stories to tell, though.

    It's true that it gets better (ie hurts a little less each time) but I don't think making "frog legs" and crossing my legs and pulling them over my head will ever be something I classify as a fun afternoon :)

    ReplyDelete
  15. AW GAWD! I can't do it. I tried to wax my legs a few years ago and the reaction to it was so severe the aestician called me "chicken legs". Nice. Not exactly the look I was going for! I can only survive a bikini wax in the summer and even then, I wimp out and resort to razors.

    I started getting my eyebrows threaded and I am totally addicted to the pain. It's like rubberbands and razorblades but less traumatic to your skin than waxing.

    ReplyDelete
  16. I used to have just a "landing strip", but the guy I am seeing has full brazillian, so I went for it as well. Not brave enough for waxing nor have I mustered the courage to ask whether he does it himself and how he keeps it so smooth and stubble free ... (PS it's pretty sexy ...)

    ReplyDelete
  17. All this talk of your "secret gardens.". People, genitalia are not what the Internet is for. Before you know it, there'll be smut all over the place.

    /sarcasm
    /amused

    ReplyDelete
  18. I'm sitting here pissing myself laughing at the story and the responses, literally. I can't stop laughing. Tears. I swear!

    ReplyDelete
  19. If I heard this once I have heard it a thousand times...'Yow stop screaminnn. You sca'in my oda custmas! Yow big baby. Baby! Not mow fault yow da hairy girl!'

    (Must be said with heavy Vietnamese accent by a women that is two inches shorter and 10 lbs lighter)

    ReplyDelete
  20. These comments are hilarious! I can't even imagine. I've shaved since I was old enough to have hair on my vaghine! I hate hair so much I could never go more than a day without shaving. I even require any man I date to fully manscape.

    ReplyDelete
  21. Good lord you make me laugh!!
    Manscape.. but thats all ur gettin ;-)

    ReplyDelete
  22. It is already known I shave my legs but I haven't always been good at it.

    My first time was freshman year of high school. We got the bright idea to shave our legs for a swim meet. Bought a giant bag of disposable single blade razors and shaving cream from the dollar store (nothing around our school). So after about 40 minutes and 1/3 of my leg skin gone it was done. I wasn't the only one who had trouble and mine wasn't the worst job. When I came out of the locker room the senior girls were all giggling that we butchered our legs so badly. Then they also told us that they would have helped if we asked, kicking myself for that one now.

    Now after being a swimmer, triathlete and now cyclist, I hate leg hair and other hair. I don't bother with my arms but I either trim or shave everything else. I get people asking me if I shave my legs all the time. I don't lie about it and say I am a cyclist they nod and say ok unless they are a girl and curious if mine are smoother than hers.

    ReplyDelete
  23. Manscaping was an on and off again thing for years depending on my dating/marriage/self-abuse situation at any given time. My first removal of other body hair was for a fitness competition. My then-girlfriend decided she liked it, so I kept it up. Now that I'm a triathlete it just seems easier to maintain than it is to re-start over and over again.
    I have to admit I tried the DIY wax bit once. Never, ever, ever again. Not ever. No. LOL Not to be to graphic but even an accidental dollup of wax to the scrotum can result in an hour of tears. Yeah, I admit it. I cried like a hungry, angry baby over that one!
    No, I haven't had the nerve to pay somebody to do it (I don't ask for directions, why the hell would I let somebody else come at me with hot wax?) Considering I wear shorts for my job I have been considering something a bit more permanent for the legs just to save time and trouble, but haven't bothered fronting the expense yet.

    ReplyDelete
  24. Oh, and thanks for starting my day with the best laugh I've had all week!

    ReplyDelete
  25. I didn't start waxing until out of college but love it for the wax-and-forget-about it. However, when I'm in pain I have a ridiculous motor mouth and the first time I went I think my wax lady cried the whole time.

    A few times I've gone in for a Brazilian but she starts on the outside and works her way in and I end up begging her to stop once I get past the battle lines of "regular." One of these days I'll do it.

    ReplyDelete
  26. Oh and by the way.. no need to bejewel, bedazzles whatever there.. you have our attention without adding bling. ;-)

    ReplyDelete
  27. oh my god I'm dying reading this. I think you just described my first brazillian wax (and possibly my second...). too bad I live so far away from Honey because I'd kill for this service to be only $40! I pay $80 each time!!

    truth be told... the end result is amazing...

    ReplyDelete
  28. Why oh why do women subject themselves to this? Or even men, for that matter.

    We have hair for a reason people! Yes even there.. It helps keep us cool, clean while protecting certain areas from bacteria.

    I can understand the "trim the bush", "shave a few minutes of your time" and even "I'm a bodybuilder so I gotta" but why do we subject ourselves to such painful ways to appear to be pubescent or to hide age & the grey.

    OK I admit... I have done it and no it did not hurt (at all) & since the "man" was doing it, I did it for him. Only to discover it really wasn't the "turn on" we/he expected.

    *sigh*
    Now, it's the "trim it" situation and once in a while shave the lower end... but I always leave enough to have them think it's full, just manicured. *surprise*

    Side note: You know this practice is a result of smaller swimsuits that models had to wear. Designers did not want the hair to show, so it had to go.
    Cheers

    ~just saying

    ReplyDelete
  29. Any pictures to share? By the way, you are nuts. Have you ever seen the movie, Hostel? I would never go into someones basement, especially how you described how the people looked. No way.

    ReplyDelete
  30. lol - it's all good. And as a guy - I think it's a massive turn on. Once you get the hang of it, the DIY style isn't too bad. Granted I've only done it to someone else and yes sometimes you um, well get, um distracted. I think I had more nerves and was way more timid the first time I helped out than she was.

    For manscapping - I've gone semi wild with a razor and am thinking about the wax, if I could stand to let it grow out enough. Being well trimmed and mostly bare makes huge differences for endurance sports (I've become a firm believer in the less hair to get caught, pulled, knotted, ripped out, etc while running and/or biking for hours - the better!) I have noticed that slight layer of hair actually does insulate some so winter may call for something a little warmer, but summer time is way better.
    Beyond sports, fun with your partner is enhanced as well. For the locker room effect; their fault for looking if they don't like it.

    ReplyDelete
  31. OMG I laughed! "pooner" really?? where did she get these words-awesome! As for stories-I have none! I've never had a brazilian never had nothin! I'm boring! But thanks for sharing!!!

    ReplyDelete
  32. Oh my gosh...that sounds horrific...I don't know if I could go through with it, especially the "crack" area..(shudder)..Plus, I just can't imagine being that exposed to a complete stranger. I can't even go to the gyn without cringing at the thought of exposure..I didn't realize that it was so common, I recently found out that most of my friends do it. One of my friends commented on how her significant other "prefers" it brazilian, "down there" and I can't help but wonder if guys have some fantasy about having the privates look like "little girl" privates? What do you think?

    ReplyDelete