|simply content after spending a long few days watching my son play in a baseball tournament|
i feel so bad for my family because of the times i just can't go anywhere. they try so hard. people at work know that there's a chance they could find me crying in my office with the lights off. that's how it goes. after learning about depression at school, my son came home and said "we learned about depression today in class. they said people like you need extra love." he gave me a hug and a kiss on my forehead since he now towers over me.
there are good, bad and in-between days and i get through them all, mostly glad for my good fortune and wondering why i just can't be grateful enough to stop crying at times. brain chemicals don't get the logic and see the facts.
it's the strangest thing to wake up one morning and feel this sudden lightness. it is just amazing. it's like you've been in a dark room and someone opens the blinds and sunshine pours in. truly i can't describe it. i just try to hold onto it as long as i can.
it's faded a bit, but i'm not back in the dark. my running has come along. my husband noticed that my form was so off. i'd started to hunch and roll my shoulders in and i shuffled my feet. i had no reason for that. i'm a great runner when i want to be. for me, my issues are all in my head.
so, i started running with better posture, and lo and behold, i'm faster without any extra effort. i'm not saying i haven't been working hard on my running for the past 8 months but it's incredible what a little bit of backbone can do for me.
i'd started avoiding mirrors and i got dressed in the dark.i always thought i'd be too fat for my clothes and dreaded putting on something fitted - even though the clothes were loose on me - it didn't compute.Then, after the cloud lifted, i was surprised bc there wasn't any fat. i have some good definition. i def do not need to lose any weight.
i ran with a woman that i hadn't run with in over 18 mths bc sometimes being social is exhausting and I didn't want to be seen. it was such a great run. truly. we ran for almost 3 hours and i couldn't believe how the time flew. it feels so good to have company like that.
we all have holes within ourselves of the things that we believe we aren't. some people just feel emptier than others. it's so important for me to surround myself with those that love and care unconditionally. i'm not easy and i'm not simple but i am truly grateful for those that show me kindness, patience and see the good parts more than the bad.